AlltheJokes.com
The best jokes directory.

Aardvark jokes

Sample humor:

What does an aardvark take for ant-digestion? Anta-Seltzer!

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What does an aardvark get when he overeats? Ant-digestion!

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Did you hear about the household appliance that eats ants and records TV shows? It's the VCRdvard

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Accountant jokes

Sample humor:

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work. After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: "Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window."

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How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb? How many did it take last year?

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Why do accountants make good lovers? They're great with figures.

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Answer me this jokes

Sample humor:

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

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Do steam rollers really roll steam?

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Ant jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes ? Antteneye !

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What do you call an ant who skips school ? A truant !

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Where do ants go for their holidays ? Frants !

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Apple jokes

Sample humor:

What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.

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What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.

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What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !

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Aviation jokes

Sample humor:

How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp? Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.

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Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela are in an airplane with 20 kids. The airplane gets a failure and is doomed to crash. The plane has only 20 parachutes. Nelson Mandela, as a great humanitarian says that children should have them. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts, "SCREW THE CHILDREN!!" Michael Jackson's face lights up and he shouts, "YES, YES!! But do we have enough time?"

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A small twin-prop commuter plane was hijacked by a desperate animal rights extremist who vowed to kill one of the passengers to demonstrate his serious intentions. There were two passengers present, a microbiologist and a yeast geneticist. The hijacker gave each one two minutes to explain why they shouldn't be killed. The microbiologist (who studied bacteria) talked for 1 minute 59 seconds explaining that he studies bacteria, bacteria are model organisms for the study of genetics and physiology etc. etc. and finished with an emotional, bacteria-laden plea which had the hijacker in tears. When he was done, they turned to the yeast geneticist who said, "let me explain to you why yeast genetics is an important discipline..." but he was interrupted by the microbiologist who exclaimed "Shoot me! Shoot me!"

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Baby jokes

Sample humor:

What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake? Stop crying and viper your nose.

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Knock knock. Who's there? Underwear. Underwear who? Underwear my baby is tonight?

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Daddy, daddy, can I have another glass of water, please? But that's the tenth one I've given you tonight! Yes, but the baby's bedroom is still on fire.

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Banana jokes

Sample humor:

How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.

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What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.

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Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

Sample humor:

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

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WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

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A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

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Barbie doll jokes

Sample humor:

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - LAPD Barbie ...comes with two nightsticks, in case one gets broken subduing a suspect. Taser also available.

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Rastafarian Barbie ...she has dreadlocks and ganja, mon!

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Venus de Milo Barbie ...made of rock; no head, no arms

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Bath jokes

Sample humor:

What criminal doesn't take baths? A dirty crook.

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How do vampire football players get the mud off? They all get in the bat-tub.

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Which villains steal soap from the bath? Robber ducks.

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Beauty jokes

Sample humor:

Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week. Mrs Baggy: Tried to? Mrs Saggy: Yes, they couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her face!

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Julie had broken off her engagement. Her friend asked her what had happened. 'I thought it was love at first sight,' said Julie. 'It was, but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind.

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First witch: My beauty is timeless. Second witch: Yes, it could stop a clock.

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Bed jokes

Sample humor:

How can you shorten a bed? Don't sleep long in it.

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Why did the kid punch the bed? His mother told him to hit the hay.

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Witch: Doctor, doctor, I don't feel well. Doctor: Don't worry, you'll just have to go to bed for a spell.

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Bicycle jokes

Sample humor:

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard. "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!"

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Which is the cheapest bicycle you can buy? A penny-farthing.

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When is a bicycle not a bicycle? When it turns into a driveway.

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Biologist jokes

Sample humor:

A wildlife biologist is working in the woods, miles from the nearest town. He's camped alone with his dog and cat as his companions. Suddenly, an old gentleman carrying a small limp dog, franticly runs into his camp. "Please, please help me! I think something has happened to Willie. Our Winnebago is parked just around the bend and we've seen you camped here. We didn't know what to do. We thought of you because we had seen all this scientific equipment laying around here. Can you help him?" " Sir, I'm not a vet, I'm a wildlife biologist," the young biologist told the worried man. "Can you please just have a look at him, I'll pay you anything you need. I just need to know. If he's still alive, maybe I can rush him into town." "Ok, put him here on the table." The young biologist looks the limp dog over, but its plain that the dog is dead,, no pulse or signs of breathing. "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid poor Willie is dead." "No, I can't believe that..... It can't be true...are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure." "I just can't believe that....With all this equipment, isn't there something you can do? I must be absolutely sure." The biologist called his big yellow cat over to the table. The cat walked around the dead dog, occasionally sniffing at the carcass. He then looks up at the biologist and let out a few weak meows. "Well, the cat say he's dead. Does that assure you?" "No, I need more than that...Do you have anything else?" The biologist calls over his big black dog. The dog circles the body a few times, sniffing it every now and then. After a few moments, the dog barks at the biologist. "Well, now the dog says he's dead. That's all I can do for you sir." "OK, well I guess its true. I'll take him back and bury him...How much do I owe you?" "It'll be $650 bucks." The biologist tells the old man. "What??", replied the old man, "How can you charge that much??!!" "Well sir, I could have told you he was dead for only a dollar, but you're the one that insisted on the cat scan and the lab tests!"

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A pair of biologists are studying terns on a rock island just off the coast. While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law enforcement refuses to investigate. On their last day on the island they happen into a huge pile of harvested grass that has been set out to dry. Quickly they decide to set it on fire to pay the thugs back for shooting at them. The fire takes off and sends plumes of smoke into the sky. As they are running for their boat, they notice that the soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of control and crashing into the trees. The next day they read the headlines in the local paper: Pot Farm Burns - No Tern Left Unstoned.

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Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack. The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says, "What in the world are you doing?" He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a full-grown grizzly bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

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Bird jokes

Sample humor:

Where do birds invest their money ? In the stork market !

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A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees. On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed. "Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You get on top baby it might be better" Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case. After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck I have to see this!"

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What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? They go on peck-nics !

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Birthday jokes

Sample humor:

Why did you hit your birthday cake with a hammer? Because you said it was pound cake!

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A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

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Will you come to my party on Saturday? Yes, please, What's the address? 25 The High Street. Just push the bell with your elbow. Why with my elbow? Well, you won't be empty-handed, will you!

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Blind jokes

Sample humor:

Q: What did a blind boy's parent's do to punish him? A: Rearranged the furniture

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Q: Why was a blind man's leg wet? A: Her dog was blind too.

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Q: How did a blind woman pierce her ear? A: Answering the stapler.

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Blonde jokes

Sample humor:

Q.Why did the blonde get thrown out of the M & M factory? A. She kept throwing out all the W's.

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Postcard from a blonde: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

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What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but never see any!

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Book title jokes

Sample humor:

Why You Need Insurance by Justin Case

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Keep on Trying by Percy Vere

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Ropin' and Ranchin' by Larry Yett

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Brother and sister jokes

Sample humor:

Peter: My brother wants to work badly! Anita: As I remember, he usually does !

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So you are distantly related to the family next door, are you? Yes- their dog is our dog's brother.

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A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. 'Well,' said the Scout. 'Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it.'

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Burger jokes

Sample humor:

Why is President Carter important to Hamburger Land in April? One the opening day of the baseball season, he throws out the first meatball!

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How do we know burgers love young people? They're pro-teen!

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Why do the hamburgers beat the hot dogs at every sport they play? Because hot dogs are the wurst!

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Bus jokes

Sample humor:

Do buses and trains run on time? Usually, yes. No, they don't. Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks.

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Why did the bus stop? Because it saw the zebra crossing.

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What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold? One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.

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Business jokes

Sample humor:

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

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The Ten Commandments Of Employment If it rings, put it on hold. If it clunks, call the repairman. If it whistles, ignore it. If it's a friend, stop work and chat. If it's the boss, look busy. If it talks, take notes. If it's handwritten, type it. if it's typed, copy it. If it's copied, file it. If it's Friday, forget it!

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There was once a high-powered businessman who insisted on taking his three secretaries everywhere with him - a tall one for writing longhand, a short one for taking down shorthand, and a very small one for adding footnotes.

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Cannibal jokes

Sample humor:

What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!

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Cannibal: Mom, mom, I've been eating a missionary and I feel sick ! Mom: Well, you know what they say - you can't keep a good man down !

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Why do cannibals make suitcases out of peoples heads? Because they're headcases !

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Car and train jokes

Sample humor:

One day there was a family driving in the car to Michigan to visit their relatives. They were looking for the street they had to turn on to get to their relatives house. They accedently turned on the wrong street so they had to pull in a driveway and turn around. When they pulled into the driveway the girl asked her mother "Why dont these people have electricity?" Very confused the mother said, "Wut are u talking about?" The girl quickly replied, "Well, the sign back there said NO OUTLET!"

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A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front." The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !"

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Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!

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Cat jokes

Sample humor:

Q: Where do cats write down notes? - A: Scratch Paper!

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Q: What's a cat's second favorite food? - A: Spa-catti!

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What do cat actors say on stage ? Tabby or not tabby !

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Children jokes

Sample humor:

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

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'Mum,' yelled Johnny from the kitchen, 'you know that dish you were always worried that I would break ?' 'Yes dear, what about it ?' 'Well your worries are over.'

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On the first day at school the girls were sizing each other up and boasting, trying to make good impressions on each other. 'I come from a one-parent family,' said one little girl proudly. 'That's nothing. Both my parents remarried after they got divorced. I come from a four parent family !'

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Christmas jokes

Sample humor:

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y !

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Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

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How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid.

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Clinton jokes

Sample humor:

Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election? A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!

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Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

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Q: Bill, Hillary, and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved? A: The United States of America.

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College jokes

Sample humor:

Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Professor Yes, but I thought it was mine!

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All the fraternity brothers left the house for a long weekend except for Grady, who decided to stay behind and get some studying done. One night Grady heard a noise under his bed. Fearing it might be a burglar, he leaned over and whispered, "Anybody there?" "No," said the burglar. "That's funny," the boy said to himself. "I could have sworn I heard a noise!"

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How do you measure a Villanova graduate's I.Q.? With a tire gauge.

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Computer jokes

Sample humor:

How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They try to fix the old one. "We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?"

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A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that it ''could not find the printer.'' The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer—but his computer still could not 'see' the printer.

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Where does an elephant carry its laptop? In its trunk.

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Cow jokes

Sample humor:

What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand? Cows-mopolitan!

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What animals do you bring to bed? Your calves.

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Why don't cows ever have any money? Because the farmers milk them dry!

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Cowboy jokes

Sample humor:

What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses? Bronchitis (bronc-itis).

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A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go." "Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?" "That you kill me first."

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Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom. They tied the noose around the second cowboy's head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away. As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, "Please! Would yaw'l tighten that noose a little bit? I can't swim!"

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Criminal jokes

Sample humor:

Did you hear about the burglar who fell in the cement mixer? Now he's a hardened criminal.

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Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway

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What kind of robbery is not dangerous? A safe robbery.

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Dance jokes

Sample humor:

What do baby swans dance to ? Cygnet-ure-tunes !

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What dance do hippies hate? A square dance.

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What sort of dance do fish do at parties ? The conga !

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Dead and dying jokes

Sample humor:

A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, "Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to throw the switch in a minute." The man said, "Do me a favor and throw it out the window!"

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What's a zombie's favorite pop song? Dead sails in the sunset.

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Doctor, doctor, I feel dead from the waist down. I'll arrange for you to be halfburied.

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Dentist jokes

Sample humor:

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

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Pardon me for a moment, please," said the dentist to the victim, "but before beginning this work I must have my drill." "Good heavens, man!" exclaimed the patient irritably. "Can't you pull a tooth without a rehearsal?"

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Anyone know the six most frightening words in the world ??? "The Dentist will see you now."

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Dinosaur jokes

Sample humor:

Q5: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? A: Tea Rex?

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Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

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Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because the chicken wasn't invented yet.

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Divorce jokes

Sample humor:

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

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Mrs. Caroline Squires of Cincinnati filed for a divorce from her husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She testified he'd stepped out "for a beer" on the Fourth of July, 1917, and had never come back.

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A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

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Doctor and nurse jokes

Sample humor:

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep. Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

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A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."

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Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do? Saw the legs off of your bed!

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Dog jokes

Sample humor:

What wears a black, white, and tan coat but has no hair? A bald beagle!

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What should you do if you see a vicious dog? Hope he doesn't see you.

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Q: When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house? - A: When the door is open.

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E-mail jokes

Sample humor:

How do wasps send messages? By bee-mail.

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Teacher: You've been e-mailing other pupils that I'm ugly! Pupil: Sorry, miss, I didn't realise you wanted to keep it a secret.

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How do whales type e-mails? With their fish fingers.

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Easter jokes

Sample humor:

What is the Easter Bunny's favourite state capital? Albunny, New York!

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What's the difference between the Easter Bunny and a silly monster ? One's a hare-head and the other's an air-head!

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How is the Easter Bunny like Shaquille O'Neal? They're both famous for stuffing baskets!

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Elephant jokes

Sample humor:

What goes up slowly and comes down quickly ? An elephant in a lift !

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What do you call an elephant that can't do sums ? Dumbo !

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Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle ? Because of all the cheetahs !

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Ethnic jokes

Sample humor:

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

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One Scot came back from work earlier then usual and saw plumber's car in the front of the house. - Oh my God, I hope it is her lover.

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Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!" "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!" The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

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Face jokes

Sample humor:

Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.

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Boy monster: You've got a face like a million dollars ! Girl monster: Have I really ? Boy monster: Yes - it's green and wrinkly !

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First Witch: I like your toad. He always has such a nice expression on his face. Second Witch: It's because he's a hoptimist.

* * *

Farmer jokes

Sample humor:

On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another. "Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?" "Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"

* * *

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth." lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

* * *

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once." A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice." After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do." The farmer said, "That's once."

* * *

Firefighter jokes

Sample humor:

A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof. When the fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and the Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket. The brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick. The firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the redhead to jump. "No way! I saw what you did to my friend." exclaimed the redhead. "I am sorry" said the Chief, "My wife was a brunette and she divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problems with redheads....jump it's your only chance." So the redhead jumped. On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she hit the pavement like a tomato!" The firefighters again held up the blanket and the Chief told the blonde to jump. The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival was to jump. "No I am not jumping. I saw what you did to my two friends." "I'm sorry" said the Chief, "I explained what happened to the brunette and when the redhead jumped we were a little distracted. It will not happen again, just jump!" The blonde thought for a moment. "OK I'll jump - but first I want you to lay the blanket on the ground, back away, and then I'll jump into it."

* * *

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning. "Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!" "The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George. "Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

* * *

After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire." The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.

* * *

Fishing jokes

Sample humor:

Q. What is the difference between a fish and a piano? A. You can't tuna fish.

* * *

Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish. The first blonde said "This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back." The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat. The first blonde asked "What are you doing?" The second blonde replied "Marking the spot." "Don't be stupid" the first blonde said. "What if we don't get the same boat next time?"

* * *

How much fishing tackle can a man accumulate before his wife throws him out? I don't know the answer but I think I'm nearly there.

* * *

Food jokes

Sample humor:

Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. "Why are we running so fast?" asked one. "Because," said the second, "it says 'tear along the dotted line'!"

* * *

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question? Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

* * *

Why did the biscuit cry? Because its mother had been a wafer so long.

* * *

Frog jokes

Sample humor:

Why do frogs have webbed feet ? To stamp out forest fires !

* * *

I'd like a new frog, please. But you bought one only yesterday. What happened? It Kermit-ted suicide.

* * *

What kind of shoes to frogs like ? Open toad sandals !

* * *

Ghost jokes

Sample humor:

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.

* * *

What did the little ghost eat for lunch? A booloney sandwich!

* * *

Where does a ghost refuel his Porsche? At a ghastly station.

* * *

Gorilla jokes

Sample humor:

How did Gertie Gorilla make the 'Playboy' Calendar? She was 'Miss Ape-ril!'

* * *

Why do the Gorillas like Jimmy Carter? They don't really know - but they're NUTS about him!

* * *

If George Raft's wife gave birth to twin Gorillas, would they be the Apes of Raft?

* * *

Hair and bald jokes

Sample humor:

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

* * *

After accepting an invitation to dance with a rather prematurely balding man a young woman wants to lighten the mood and says, "Honey, God was good to you, gave you a handsome face and room for another one."

* * *

Customer: Couldn't you see I was going bald? Barber: No, the shine from your head blinded me.

* * *

Halloween jokes

Sample humor:

Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there's lots of school spirit!

* * *

A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet over his head. 'Are you here as a ghost ?' asked his friends 'No, I'm an undercover agent".

* * *

Why did the wizard wear a yellow robe to the Halloween party? He was going as a banana.

* * *

Heaven and hell jokes

Sample humor:

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!" The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face". "Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"? "Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

* * *

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.' 'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.' 'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered. 'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'

* * *

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. "How did you get here?" he asked. And the new angel replied, "Flu..."

* * *

History jokes

Sample humor:

When did Caesar reign ? I didn't know he reigned. Of course he did, didn't they hail him ?

* * *

Why did Arthur have a round table ? So no one could corner him !

* * *

I'm learning ancient history ? So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times !

* * *

Horse jokes

Sample humor:

Have you read the book, "100-mile Horse Trek" Who wrote it? Major Bumsore

* * *

Why did the farmer call his horse Baseball? Because it's covered with horsehide!

* * *

What do you give a sick horse? Cough stirrup.

* * *

Humor jokes

Sample humor:

Where did the fortune-teller go on her vacation? To Palm Beach.

* * *

Q. Why did the belt go to jail? A. Because he held up a pair of pants!

* * *

How many architects does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals who are doing this quiet complicated task.

* * *

Hunting jokes

Sample humor:

Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot. 'Don't waste your time,' Pat hollered. 'The rifle is not loaded.' 'I can't wait,' Mike shouted back. 'The bird will be gone if I take the time to load!'

* * *

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

* * *

What's the easiest way for a Gorilla hunter to make money? Collect unemployment insurance!

* * *

Idiot and fool jokes

Sample humor:

Did you hear about the dumb father who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30 minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?

* * *

Did you hear about the Omaha mother who got tired of putting name tags on her son's shirts, so she had his name legally changed to "Machine Washable"?

* * *

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw ? He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day. He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day. The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was. The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?

* * *

Insect jokes

Sample humor:

What did one firefly say to the other ? Got to glow now !

* * *

How do fireflies start a race? Ready, steady, glow!

* * *

What's a bees favourite flower ? A bee-gonias !

* * *

Internet jokes

Sample humor:

Where is Pinocchio's website? On the splinternet.

* * *

Who sits at the end of the yellow brick road surfing the Net? The www.izard of Oz.

* * *

Teacher: Why are you pushing garlic into the computer's disk drive? Pupil: To keep vampires off the Internet Teacher: But there aren't any vampires on the Internet Pupil: See? It works, doesn't it?

* * *

Journalist jokes

Sample humor:

What do you get if you cross a radio music presenter with Match of the Day ? DDDDDDDDDDDDDJ !

* * *

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

* * *

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

* * *

Judge jokes

Sample humor:

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge." The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery." The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

* * *

Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand? A: Yes Judge: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995? A: Oral.

* * *

Judge: Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Judge. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

* * *

King Kong jokes

Sample humor:

If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping pong and died. What would they put on his coffin ? A lid !

* * *

What do you get if you cross King Kong with a giant frog? A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building and catches aeroplanes with its tongue.

* * *

What did the big ape say when he dialed incorrectly? "Oops! King Kong ring wrong."

* * *

Knock Knock jokes

Sample humor:

Knock Knock Who's there ! Brent ! Brent who ? Brent out of shape !

* * *

Knock Knock Who's there ! Alva ! Alva who ? Alva heart !

* * *

Knock Knock Who's there ! Brendan ! Brendan who ? Brendan an ear to what I have to say !

* * *

Lawyer jokes

Sample humor:

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

* * *

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

* * *

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline.

* * *

Letter jokes

Sample humor:

How did skeletons send each other letters in the days of the Wild West? By Bony Express.

* * *

Where do ghosts mail their letters? At the ghost office.

* * *

What do snakes write on the bottom of their letters? With love and hisses.

* * *

Lotto jokes

Sample humor:

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help. "Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize. Joe again looked up and prayed... "Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck. Once again, he prayed... "Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... " Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself: "Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One. Buy A Ticket!"

* * *

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari. "Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings. That night, his wife asks him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she find that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. "And this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?!"

* * *

Marriage jokes

Sample humor:

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

* * *

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money."

* * *

Attorney to witness: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?" Witness: "Where am I Cathy?" Attorney: "And why did that upset you?" Witness: "Because my name is Susan."

* * *

Men jokes

Sample humor:

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.

* * *

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

* * *

Men are like shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

* * *

Mental health jokes

Sample humor:

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits.

* * *

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered. The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me." The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"

* * *

How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. But he has to check it 100 times, one for each watt.

* * *

Military jokes

Sample humor:

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't really do that, did you?" "I'm positive you'd never get through basic training" scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

* * *

Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ? A. Nothing, yet.

* * *

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

* * *

Money jokes

Sample humor:

Why is the moon like a dollar? It has four quarters.

* * *

Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency? A: Question marks.

* * *

Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. "You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl. Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."

* * *

Monster jokes

Sample humor:

An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven legs walked into a tailors shop. 'Quick!' shouted the tailor to his assistant. 'Hide the "Free Alterations" sign!'

* * *

What do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster? Sir.

* * *

What would you get if you crossed a monster with a redcoat? A bigger target.

* * *

Mouse jokes

Sample humor:

What do rodents say when they play bingo ? 'Eyes down for a full mouse' !

* * *

What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk ? Dirty looks from the mouse !

* * *

Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat? Mom ! I see an angel.

* * *

Movie and TV jokes

Sample humor:

One agent stops by another agent's table to tell him the big news: "Elvis just died!" The second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. "Good career move."

* * *

Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one more, guys, I promise.

* * *

Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: "Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"

* * *

Music jokes

Sample humor:

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: Half a measure.

* * *

Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

* * *

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor? A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

* * *

Old age jokes

Sample humor:

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

* * *

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?" A few minutes later, Timmy returned. "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She's fine, except that she's angry at you." "At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?" "She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.

* * *

A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee." "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy." "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."

* * *

Parent jokes

Sample humor:

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

* * *

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

* * *

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother. When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid. When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins. He said, "The first one was a girl." The mother: "What did you name her?!?" Brother: "Denise!" The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?" Brother: "The second one was a boy." The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?" Brother: "Denephew."

* * *

Pig jokes

Sample humor:

Doctor, doctor, I've got a little sty. Then you'd better buy a little pig.

* * *

What did the pig say when he found a line of ants in his trough? "Mmm. Canapes."

* * *

What do you call a pig thief? A hamburglar!

* * *

Police jokes

Sample humor:

Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother? New Recruit: Call for backup!

* * *

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30." The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."

* * *

There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out. "YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer. "Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."

* * *

Political jokes

Sample humor:

Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.

* * *

QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve? ANSWER: Until he gets caught.

* * *

Q: How does Al Gore spell potato? A: T-A-T-E-R.

* * *

Rabbit jokes

Sample humor:

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? It has 4 rabbits' feet.

* * *

What do you call it when one rabbit challenges another rabbit to hop across a forty-yard canyon? A hare dare.

* * *

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Look for gray hares.

* * *

Religious jokes

Sample humor:

What is the meaning of life? All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.

* * *

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!! Back to the synagogue. "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET"

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A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

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Restaurant jokes

Sample humor:

Is your food spicy Sir ? No, smoke always comes out of my ears !

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Sign at restaurant reads: Eat here diet home

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A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

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Salesmen jokes

Sample humor:

One day Mikey was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object. "What is that?" Mikey asked. "It's a thermos," the salesman replied. "What does it do?" asked Mikey. "This baby," the salesman said, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." After some deliberation Mikey bought one, deciding it would really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrived at the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. "What is it?" they asked. "It's a thermos," Mikey replied. "What does it do?" they asked. "Well," Mikey says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "What do ya got in it?" To which Mikey says, "Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."

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A policeman came upon a super-salesman about to jump from a bridge and yelled, "Wait, Fellow! Please don't do that !!!" The salesman said, "Why not ?" and proceeded to expound on his views on the shaky economy, declining family life and Clinton politics. Shortly thereafter, they both jumped.

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"No, no, no!" said the enraged businessman to the persistent salesman. "I cannot see you today!" "That's fine," said the salesman, "I'm selling spectacles."

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School jokes

Sample humor:

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow? Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

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Why did the teacher put the lights on? Because the class was so dim!

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Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine. So what's so great about that? It's snowing outside!

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Snake jokes

Sample humor:

Why did the viper want to become a python? He got the coiling.

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What do you give a sick snake ? Asp-rin !

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What's a snake's favourite food ? Hiss Cakes !

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Snowman jokes

Sample humor:

What do snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.

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Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib? A: A snowmobile!

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Who doesn't like to sit in front of the fire? A Snowman.

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Space jokes

Sample humor:

Two aliens from outer space landed in Las Vegas and were wandering around the casinos. One of them volunteered to go inside and see what was happening. He came out looking rather shocked. "What's the matter?" asked his friend. "It's a very popular place," replied the first alien. "It's full of creatures that keep throwing up little metal discs."

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What did the alien say when his flying saucer landed in a stud farm? Take me to your breeder !

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An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?" "How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"

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Spelling jokes

Sample humor:

Spell electricity with three letters. NRG (energy).

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Interviewer: How do you spell Mississippi? Redneck: Which one? The river or the state?

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Can you spell soft and slow with two letters? EZ.

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Sport jokes

Sample humor:

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

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What lights up a football stadium? A football match!

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What did the bumble bee striker say ? Hive scored !

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Teeth jokes

Sample humor:

What's the best thing to put into a pizza? Your teeth.

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Why are false teeth like stars? Because they come out at night.

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Fan: I've always admired you. Are your teeth your own? Actor: Whose do you think they are?

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Telephone jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call the sound a ghost makes when he calls you? A phone moan.

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Mother: Why was the phone busy all night? Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.

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A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it. "Hi honey," said the woman on the other end. "Hi honey," replied the man. "I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on sale too, a real bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?" The man thought about it for a sec and said, "You're sure it's a good deal?" "Oh yes," replied the woman. "Okay then, I guess you can get it," replied the man. The woman continued,"Oh, and you know how we've been thinking about getting rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower the price from $50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?" The man thought a little harder and said,"If you're sure it's a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar." The woman continued again. "Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and think about? Well, it's on the market again, so I checked the price. It's down to $450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get it?" The man got a frown on his face and said,"See if you can get them down to $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it." The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey, thank you so much! I'll see you when I get home! Bye!" "Bye," said the man. He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

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Time jokes

Sample humor:

Why do people beat their clocks? To kill time.

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Customer: I'd like a watch that tells time. Clerk: Don't you have a watch that tells time? Customer: No, you have to look at it.

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A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

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Travel and tourist jokes

Sample humor:

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back." "Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

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A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

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During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room service and raged, "I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!" "The crackers are complimentary," the voice to the other end cooly explained. "I believe you are complaining about your room number."

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Vampire jokes

Sample humor:

What do vampire footballers have at half-time? Blood oranges.

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How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.

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Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin? It wanted to play squash.

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Various animal jokes

Sample humor:

What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a set of drums.

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What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt ? 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'

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Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.

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Waiter jokes

Sample humor:

Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?

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Customer: Waiter, I found a hair in my turtle soup. Waiter: How about that! The turtle and the hare finally got together.

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Waiter, there is a fly in my bean soup ! Don't worry sir I'll fish him out and exchange it for a bean !

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Weather jokes

Sample humor:

What kind of umbrella does the Queen of England carry on a rainy day? A wet one.

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If a band plays music in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightning? The conductor.

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A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

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Witch jokes

Sample humor:

Why won't a witch wear a flat cap? Because there's no point in it.

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What happens if you see twin witches? You won't be able to tell witch witch is witch.

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What's the favorite subject of young witches at school? Spelling.

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Women jokes

Sample humor:

Why do women have smaller feet than men? - It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

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Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth? Fred: I don't know, Sir. Teacher: Come on, Fred, it has something to do with an apple. Fred: Granny Smith?

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A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

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Yo momma jokes

Sample humor:

Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!

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Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"

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Yo Mama so dumb she put lipstick on her fore-head to make up her mind.

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Zodiac jokes

Sample humor:

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two (of course) but it will take all week and when they're done the light bulb will do your homework, speak French and shine any colour you want from it.

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Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?

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Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?

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Zoo jokes

Sample humor:

When an ape visits his tailor, what kind of a suit does he order? A zoo-t suit!

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The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

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A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages "An' whut animal would that be ?" he asked the keeper. "Thats a moose from Canada", came the reply. "A moose !!", exclaimed the Scotsman. "Hoots, mon, if that's a moose then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !"

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