Aardvark jokes

Sample humor:

What does an aardvark take for ant-digestion? Anta-Seltzer!

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What does an aardvark get when he overeats? Ant-digestion!

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What command does the aardvark give most often when he sails? Snout about!

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Accountant jokes

Sample humor:

Why accountants don't read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

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What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

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Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

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Answer me this jokes

Sample humor:

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

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If we are a country committed to free speech, then why do we have phone bills?

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If all the nations in the world are in the debt, where did all the money go?

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Ant jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call an and with frogs legs ? An antphibian !

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What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes ? Antteneye !

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What do you call an ant who skips school ? A truant !

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Apple jokes

Sample humor:

What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.

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What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.

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What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !

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Aviation jokes

Sample humor:

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

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McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains. When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?"

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How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp? Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.

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Baby jokes

Sample humor:

Knock Knock Who's there ! Baby ! Baby who ? Baby love, my baby love.... !

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What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby ? A cry for Alp !

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Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister? I'd much rather have a jelly baby.

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Banana jokes

Sample humor:

How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.

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What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.

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Why are bananas never lonely? Because they hang around in bunches.

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

Sample humor:

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

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WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

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A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

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Barbie doll jokes

Sample humor:

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Broken Bungee Barbie ...Barbie doll lying broken on the pavement

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Shock Therapy Barbie ...car battery and wires included

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - LAPD Barbie ...comes with two nightsticks, in case one gets broken subduing a suspect. Taser also available.

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Bath jokes

Sample humor:

Boy: Dad, dad, there's a spider in the bath. Dad: What's wrong with that? You've seen spiders before. Boy: Yes, but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot water!

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Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath, Mrs Soap? Mrs Soap: No, doctor. By the time I'd drunk the bath there wasn't room for medicine.

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Hotel guest: Can you give me a room and a bath, please? Porter: I can give you a room, but you'll have to wash yourself.

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Beauty jokes

Sample humor:

Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week. Mrs Baggy: Tried to? Mrs Saggy: Yes, they couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her face!

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Julie had broken off her engagement. Her friend asked her what had happened. 'I thought it was love at first sight,' said Julie. 'It was, but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind.

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Little Johnny and his mother were on a train. Johnny leant over and started to whisper in his mother's ear. 'Johnny, how many times have I told you,' said his mother, ' it's rude to whisper. If you have something to say, say it out loud.' 'OK, said Johnny, 'why does the lady over there look like an ugly, haggard old witch ?'

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Bed jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call a python with a great bedside manner? A snake charmer.

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Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister's bed? Son: I couldn't find a spider.

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I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress? Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

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Bicycle jokes

Sample humor:

What did the bicycle call its dad? Pop-cycle

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Which is the cheapest bicycle you can buy? A penny-farthing.

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What is a ghost-proof bicycle? One with no spooks in it.

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Biologist jokes

Sample humor:

There were these two Engineers who decided they would go moose hunting in the backwoods of British Columbia. As it happened, they lucked out and got a moose. Unfortunately, they were about a mile from their truck. They were having a tough time dragging the animal by the hind legs when a Wildlife Biologist happened upon them. He said, "You know, the hair follicles on a moose have a grain to them that causes the hair to lie toward the back. The way you are dragging that moose, it increases your coefficient of friction by a huge margin. If you grab it by the antlers and pull, you will find the work required to be quite minimal." The Engineers thanked him and started dragging the moose by the antlers. After about an hour, one Engineer said, "I can't believe how easy it is to move this moose this way. I sure am glad we ran across that Biologist." "Yeah.", said the other. "But we're getting further and further away from our truck."

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A biologist from the North Pole was showing a new recruit the ropes of a polar bear radio tracking program. The new recruit said, "I know how the transmitters work, but I have one question--how do you catch the polar bears in the first place?" "I bet you use high-powered tranquilizer dart guns, right?" "Oh no!" the experienced biologist replied, "we use an ancient Eskimo technique, developed centuries ago. First, we dig a huge hole in the ice. Next, we place a circle of green peas all the way around the hole. Then, we go hide behind some ice blocks and wait. Finally, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea, we kick him in the ice-hole !!!"

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A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?" "Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

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Bird jokes

Sample humor:

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken.

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What is the difference between a fly and a bird ? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird !

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What do you get if your budgie flies into the blender ? Shredded Tweet !

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Birthday jokes

Sample humor:

Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday. How lovely! Yes, but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mum's too frightened he'll break it!

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When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.

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Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days? Harry: No. Why? Fred: Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.

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Blind jokes

Sample humor:

Q: What did a blind boy's parent's do to punish him? A: Rearranged the furniture

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Q: Why was a blind man's leg wet? A: Her dog was blind too.

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Q: How did a blind woman pierce her ear? A: Answering the stapler.

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Blonde jokes

Sample humor:

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes." She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?" "Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."

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Q.Why did the blonde get thrown out of the M & M factory? A. She kept throwing out all the W's.

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Postcard from a blonde: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

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Book title jokes

Sample humor:

Why You Need Insurance by Justin Case

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Nothing's Ever Right by Mona Lott

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Keep on Trying by Percy Vere

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Brother and sister jokes

Sample humor:

Michael: It's hard for my sister to eat. Maureen: Why ? Michael: She can't bear to stop talking.

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Little Brother: I'm going to buy a sea horse. Big Brother: Why? Little Brother: Because I want to play water polo!

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My sister is so dim she thinks that a cartoon is a song you sing in a car.

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Burger jokes

Sample humor:

Why is President Carter important to Hamburger Land in April? One the opening day of the baseball season, he throws out the first meatball!

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Who can beat any burger at golf? Any LINKS sausage!

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Why did the pro football player from the last-place team drop pieces of hamburger into his soup? He wanted to know how it felt to take part in a Soup-er Bowl!

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Bus jokes

Sample humor:

Do buses and trains run on time? Usually, yes. No, they don't. Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks.

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Why did the bus stop? Because it saw the zebra crossing.

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What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold? One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.

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Business jokes

Sample humor:

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

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The Ten Commandments Of Employment If it rings, put it on hold. If it clunks, call the repairman. If it whistles, ignore it. If it's a friend, stop work and chat. If it's the boss, look busy. If it talks, take notes. If it's handwritten, type it. if it's typed, copy it. If it's copied, file it. If it's Friday, forget it!

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According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

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Cannibal jokes

Sample humor:

What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!

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Q. What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner? A. The cold shoulder.

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Cannibal: Mom, mom, I've been eating a missionary and I feel sick ! Mom: Well, you know what they say - you can't keep a good man down !

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Car and train jokes

Sample humor:

One day there was a family driving in the car to Michigan to visit their relatives. They were looking for the street they had to turn on to get to their relatives house. They accedently turned on the wrong street so they had to pull in a driveway and turn around. When they pulled into the driveway the girl asked her mother "Why dont these people have electricity?" Very confused the mother said, "Wut are u talking about?" The girl quickly replied, "Well, the sign back there said NO OUTLET!"

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Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.

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A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front." The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !"

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Cat jokes

Sample humor:

Why was the cat so small ? Because it only ate condensed milk !

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Teacher: Name four members of the cat family Pupil: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens !

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Q: What's a cat's second favorite food? - A: Spa-catti!

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Children jokes

Sample humor:

'Mum,' yelled Johnny from the kitchen, 'you know that dish you were always worried that I would break ?' 'Yes dear, what about it ?' 'Well your worries are over.'

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On the first day at school the girls were sizing each other up and boasting, trying to make good impressions on each other. 'I come from a one-parent family,' said one little girl proudly. 'That's nothing. Both my parents remarried after they got divorced. I come from a four parent family !'

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Mandy was applying for a summer job. 'How old are you?' asked the owner of the store. 'I'm twelve years old, Sir,' answered Mandy. 'And what do you expect to be when you grow up ?' 'Twenty one, Sir.'

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Christmas jokes

Sample humor:

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y !

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Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

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"Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?" "He said it was too tight."

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Clinton jokes

Sample humor:

Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky? Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the the sweetest interns I've ever had.

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How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet? They were both dating the same girl in high school.

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Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election? A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!

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Read more Clinton jokes

College jokes

Sample humor:

Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Professor Yes, but I thought it was mine!

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How do you measure a Villanova graduate's I.Q.? With a tire gauge.

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"Now my motto in life," said the school chaplain, "is work hard, play hard and pray hard. How about you, Harriet?" "My motto is let bygones be bygones." "That's good. Why did you choose that?" "Then I wouldn't have to take any history classes!"

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Computer jokes

Sample humor:

How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They try to fix the old one. "We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?"

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A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that it ''could not find the printer.'' The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer—but his computer still could not 'see' the printer.

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Tech Support: "Which format are the images you send?" Customer: "Rectangular, 15x11 centimeters."

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Cow jokes

Sample humor:

What does a cow like to do by a campfire? Roast Moosmallows!

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Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work.

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What do cows get when they do all their chores? Mooney.

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Read more Cow jokes

Cowboy jokes

Sample humor:

What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses? Bronchitis (bronc-itis).

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Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom. They tied the noose around the second cowboy's head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away. As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, "Please! Would yaw'l tighten that noose a little bit? I can't swim!"

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What do you call a cowboy who helps out in a school ? The deputy head !

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Criminal jokes

Sample humor:

How do bank robbers send messages? By flee mail!

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Fred: We had a burglary last night, and they took everything except the soap and towels. Harry: The dirty crooks.

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What do you call a mayfly with a criminal tendencies ? Baddy long legs !

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Dance jokes

Sample humor:

What's a vampire's favorite dance? The Vaults.

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How do you make a tissue dance ? Put a little boogie in it !

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Who is tall, dark and a great dancer ? Dark Raver !

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Read more Dance jokes

Dead and dying jokes

Sample humor:

At the inquest into her husband's death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband's last words. "Yes," she replied. "He said 'I don't know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin..."

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Doctor, doctor, I'm at death's door! Don't worry, Mrs Jenkins. An operation will soon pull you through.

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What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres? Surgical spirits.

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Dentist jokes

Sample humor:

Cloyd went to a Charleston dentist complaining his gums had shriveled up and his teeth were falling out. After examining him, the dentist said, "Your mouth is really bad. Do you brush?" "Ah sure do!" replied Cloyd. "Everee single day!" "What do you brush with?" asked the dentist, "Preparation H," said the redneck.

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Did you hear about the dentist who planted a garden?... A month later he was picking his teeth

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A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

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Dinosaur jokes

Sample humor:

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because the chicken wasn't invented yet.

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Q2: What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? A: Rep Tiles

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Why do dinosaurs climb trees? There's nothing else to climb in the jungle.

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Read more Dinosaur jokes

Divorce jokes

Sample humor:

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

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Mrs. Caroline Squires of Cincinnati filed for a divorce from her husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She testified he'd stepped out "for a beer" on the Fourth of July, 1917, and had never come back.

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Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the sockets go with the house.

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Read more Divorce jokes

Doctor and nurse jokes

Sample humor:

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep. Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

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Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.

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Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor? Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

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Dog jokes

Sample humor:

How many seasons are there in a dogs life ? Just one, the moulting season !

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What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller ? A computer with a lot of bites !

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What wears a black, white, and tan coat but has no hair? A bald beagle!

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E-mail jokes

Sample humor:

How do wasps send messages? By bee-mail.

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Teacher: You've been e-mailing other pupils that I'm ugly! Pupil: Sorry, miss, I didn't realise you wanted to keep it a secret.

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How do whales type e-mails? With their fish fingers.

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Read more E-mail jokes

Easter jokes

Sample humor:

How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs? He hires Santa's elves during the off-season.

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Where did the Easter Bunny go to college? Johns Hopkins!

* * *

What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person? An Easter basket case!

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Read more Easter jokes

Elephant jokes

Sample humor:

What's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside ? An elephant disguised as a banana !

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What goes up slowly and comes down quickly ? An elephant in a lift !

* * *

Have you heard about the elephant that went on a crash diet ? He wrecked three cars, a bus and two fire engines !

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Read more Elephant jokes

Ethnic jokes

Sample humor:

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

* * *

One Scot came back from work earlier then usual and saw plumber's car in the front of the house. - Oh my God, I hope it is her lover.

* * *

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!" "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!" The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

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Read more Ethnic jokes

Face jokes

Sample humor:

Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.

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Boy monster: You've got a face like a million dollars ! Girl monster: Have I really ? Boy monster: Yes - it's green and wrinkly !

* * *

First Witch: I like your toad. He always has such a nice expression on his face. Second Witch: It's because he's a hoptimist.

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Read more Face jokes

Farmer jokes

Sample humor:

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

* * *

Farmer Jones bought a herd of pigs from a Roman farmer who moved into the next valley and boy, is he sorry. The hogs won't come to the feed trough unless he calls them in Pig Latin.

* * *

Why are farmers cruel? Because they pull corn by the ears.

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Read more Farmer jokes

Firefighter jokes

Sample humor:

Q. How do you get down from an aerial ladder? A. You don't get down from an aerial ladder. You get down from a duck.

* * *

A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work. When confronted by his boss the man explained: "You can't park anywhere near this place!"

* * *

Q. What kind of ears do pumpers have? A. Engineers.

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Read more Firefighter jokes

Fishing jokes

Sample humor:

Q. What is the difference between a fish and a piano? A. You can't tuna fish.

* * *

What kind of fish will help you hear better ? A herring aid !

* * *

Why are gold fish orange ? The water makes them rusty !

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Read more Fishing jokes

Food jokes

Sample humor:

Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. "Why are we running so fast?" asked one. "Because," said the second, "it says 'tear along the dotted line'!"

* * *

What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook ? 100 way to wok your dog.

* * *

What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake? "Hey, what's eating you?"

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Read more Food jokes

Frog jokes

Sample humor:

Why do frogs have webbed feet ? To stamp out forest fires !

* * *

I'd like a new frog, please. But you bought one only yesterday. What happened? It Kermit-ted suicide.

* * *

What kind of shoes to frogs like ? Open toad sandals !

* * *

Read more Frog jokes

Ghost jokes

Sample humor:

What kind of street does a ghost like best? A dead end.

* * *

When do ghosts play tricks on each other? On April Ghoul's Day

* * *

What sort of violin does a ghost play? A dreadivarius.

* * *

Read more Ghost jokes

Gorilla jokes

Sample humor:

How did Gertie Gorilla make the 'Playboy' Calendar? She was 'Miss Ape-ril!'

* * *

Why do the Gorillas like Jimmy Carter? They don't really know - but they're NUTS about him!

* * *

If George Raft's wife gave birth to twin Gorillas, would they be the Apes of Raft?

* * *

Read more Gorilla jokes

Hair and bald jokes

Sample humor:

Peg-Leg Baldy A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume party. Being shy and self-conscious about his appearance, he goes to the best costume shop in town. When he gets there, he tells the shop owner his situation and that he would rather cover his head and leg with a costume instead instead of exploiting his apparent problems. So, the shop owner comes back with a lifeguard costume. The man says, "No, no. That will show off my peg leg. I can't hide it with that. Try again." So the shop owner leaves and comes back with a monk costume And again the man says, "No, no. I can't wear that. It will make people notice my head." Obviously pissed off, the shop owner leaves and comes back with a five-pound bag of caramels, gives it to the man and says, "Here. Just take this." Confused, the man says, "What am I suposed to do with a bag of caramels?" Smiling, the shop owner says, "Take home this bag of caramels, melt them, pour it all over your body, stick that peg leg up your ass and tell everyone you're a caramel apple."

* * *

Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head? Because he wanted a head of hare (hair).

* * *

How much for a haircut? Barber: Fifteen dollars. How much for a shave? Barber: Ten dollars. Right - shave my head.

* * *

Halloween jokes

Sample humor:

A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet over his head. 'Are you here as a ghost ?' asked his friends 'No, I'm an undercover agent".

* * *

Why did the wizard wear a yellow robe to the Halloween party? He was going as a banana.

* * *

Why was the boy unhappy to win the prize for the best costume at the Halloween party? Because he just came to pick up his little sister.

* * *

Read more Halloween jokes

Heaven and hell jokes

Sample humor:

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. "Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler. "I was a good father," he answers. "Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance." St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."

* * *

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. "How did you get here?" he asked. And the new angel replied, "Flu..."

* * *

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know. Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?" St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

* * *

History jokes

Sample humor:

When did Caesar reign ? I didn't know he reigned. Of course he did, didn't they hail him ?

* * *

Why did Arthur have a round table ? So no one could corner him !

* * *

What did they do at the Boston Tea Party ? I don't know, I wasn't invited !

* * *

Read more History jokes

Horse jokes

Sample humor:

How do you go about hiring a horse? Try two pairs of stilts!

* * *

Have you read the book, "100-mile Horse Trek" Who wrote it? Major Bumsore

* * *

Why did the farmer call his horse Baseball? Because it's covered with horsehide!

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Read more Horse jokes

Humor jokes

Sample humor:

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, e says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

* * *

How many architects does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals who are doing this quiet complicated task.

* * *

At the scene of a bank raid the police officer came running up to his inspector and said, "He got away, sir!" The inspector was furious. "But I told you to put a man on all the exits!" he roared. "How could he have got away?" "He left by one of the entrances, sir!"

* * *

Read more Humor jokes

Hunting jokes

Sample humor:

Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot. 'Don't waste your time,' Pat hollered. 'The rifle is not loaded.' 'I can't wait,' Mike shouted back. 'The bird will be gone if I take the time to load!'

* * *

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

* * *

What's the easiest way for a Gorilla hunter to make money? Collect unemployment insurance!

* * *

Read more Hunting jokes

Idiot and fool jokes

Sample humor:

Did you hear about the dumb father who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30 minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?

* * *

Did you hear about the Mexican bricklayer who went crazy trying to lay a cornerstone in a roundhouse.

* * *

Did you hear about the Omaha mother who got tired of putting name tags on her son's shirts, so she had his name legally changed to "Machine Washable"?

* * *

Insect jokes

Sample humor:

Where do bees go on holiday ? Stingapore !

* * *

What's a bees favourite flower ? A bee-gonias !

* * *

What makes a glow worm glow ? A light meal !

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Read more Insect jokes

Internet jokes

Sample humor:

What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address? Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

* * *

Where is Pinocchio's website? On the splinternet.

* * *

Who sits at the end of the yellow brick road surfing the Net? The www.izard of Oz.

* * *

Read more Internet jokes

Journalist jokes

Sample humor:

A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor." "There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?" "No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says. "But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor." No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor." They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?" "Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."

* * *

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

* * *

Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish." The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas. The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.

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Read more Journalist jokes

Judge jokes

Sample humor:

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge." The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery." The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

* * *

Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand? A: Yes Judge: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995? A: Oral.

* * *

Judge: Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Judge. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

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Read more Judge jokes

King Kong jokes

Sample humor:

Why did King Kong join the army? To learn about gorilla warfare.

* * *

What did the big ape say when he dialed incorrectly? "Oops! King Kong ring wrong."

* * *

What's big and hairy and climbs up the Empire State Building in a dress? Queen Kong.

* * *

Read more King Kong jokes

Knock Knock jokes

Sample humor:

Knock Knock Who's there ! Census ! Census who ? Census presents for Christmas !

* * *

Knock Knock Who's there ! Brent ! Brent who ? Brent out of shape !

* * *

Knock Knock Who's there ! Alva ! Alva who ? Alva heart !

* * *

Read more Knock Knock jokes

Lawyer jokes

Sample humor:

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

* * *

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

* * *

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

* * *

Read more Lawyer jokes

Letter jokes

Sample humor:

What's the definition of a school report? A poison pen letter from the principal.

* * *

How did skeletons send each other letters in the days of the Wild West? By Bony Express.

* * *

Where do ghosts mail their letters? At the ghost office.

* * *

Read more Letter jokes

Lotto jokes

Sample humor:

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari. "Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings. That night, his wife asks him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she find that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. "And this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?!"

* * *

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help. "Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize. Joe again looked up and prayed... "Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck. Once again, he prayed... "Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... " Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself: "Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One. Buy A Ticket!"

* * *

Read more Lotto jokes

Marriage jokes

Sample humor:

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

* * *

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money."

* * *

Attorney to witness: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?" Witness: "Where am I Cathy?" Attorney: "And why did that upset you?" Witness: "Because my name is Susan."

* * *

Read more Marriage jokes

Men jokes

Sample humor:

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.

* * *

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

* * *

Men are like shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

* * *

Read more Men jokes

Mental health jokes

Sample humor:

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me. What do you mean by that?

* * *

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly." On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?" "Yes," the boy's mother answered. "And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked. "Who cares?" the mother replied.

* * *

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket. You do look a little pail.

* * *

Military jokes

Sample humor:

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't really do that, did you?" "I'm positive you'd never get through basic training" scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

* * *

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

* * *

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump." "You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."

* * *

Read more Military jokes

Money jokes

Sample humor:

When does a female deer need money? When she doesn't have a buck.

* * *

What is the quickest way to double your money ? Fold it in half !

* * *

My sister fell in love at second sight. When she first met him she didn't know how rich he was.

* * *

Read more Money jokes

Monster jokes

Sample humor:

An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven legs walked into a tailors shop. 'Quick!' shouted the tailor to his assistant. 'Hide the "Free Alterations" sign!'

* * *

What do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster? Sir.

* * *

What would you get if you crossed a monster with a redcoat? A bigger target.

* * *

Read more Monster jokes

Mouse jokes

Sample humor:

What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer ? Mice cubes !

* * *

What do rodents say when they play bingo ? 'Eyes down for a full mouse' !

* * *

What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk ? Dirty looks from the mouse !

* * *

Read more Mouse jokes

Movie and TV jokes

Sample humor:

One agent stops by another agent's table to tell him the big news: "Elvis just died!" The second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. "Good career move."

* * *

Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one more, guys, I promise.

* * *

Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: "Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"

* * *

Read more Movie and TV jokes

Music jokes

Sample humor:

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: Half a measure.

* * *

Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

* * *

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor? A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

* * *

Read more Music jokes

Old age jokes

Sample humor:

Fred: I haven't slept a wink for the past two nights. Harry: Why's that? Fred: Granny broke her leg. The doctor put it in plaster and told her she shouldn't walk upstairs. You should hear the row when she climbs up the drainpipe.

* * *

An American tourist found himself in a sleepy country village, and asked one of the locals the age of the oldest inhabitant. "Well, sir," replied the villager, "we ain't got one now. He died last week."

* * *

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

* * *

Read more Old age jokes

Parent jokes

Sample humor:

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

* * *

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

* * *

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother. When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid. When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins. He said, "The first one was a girl." The mother: "What did you name her?!?" Brother: "Denise!" The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?" Brother: "The second one was a boy." The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?" Brother: "Denephew."

* * *

Read more Parent jokes

Pig jokes

Sample humor:

Why did the piglets get in trouble in their stained glass class? They stained it with mud.

* * *

Doctor, doctor, I've got a little sty. Then you'd better buy a little pig.

* * *

If you drop this book in a pig pen, what should you do? Take the words out of their mouths.

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Read more Pig jokes

Police jokes

Sample humor:

How many LA cops does it take to change light bulb? Six. One to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.

* * *

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

* * *

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle. Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

* * *

Read more Police jokes

Political jokes

Sample humor:

Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.

* * *

QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve? ANSWER: Until he gets caught.

* * *

Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus. Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.

* * *

Read more Political jokes

Rabbit jokes

Sample humor:

What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange? A pip squeak.

* * *

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? It has 4 rabbits' feet.

* * *

What do you call it when one rabbit challenges another rabbit to hop across a forty-yard canyon? A hare dare.

* * *

Read more Rabbit jokes

Religious jokes

Sample humor:

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

* * *

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark. He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was. She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom. His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'. The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom'.

* * *

Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing? A: He only had two worms!

* * *

Read more Religious jokes

Restaurant jokes

Sample humor:

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

* * *

Is your food spicy Sir ? No, smoke always comes out of my ears !

* * *

Sign at restaurant reads: Eat here diet home

* * *

Read more Restaurant jokes

Salesmen jokes

Sample humor:

One day Mikey was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object. "What is that?" Mikey asked. "It's a thermos," the salesman replied. "What does it do?" asked Mikey. "This baby," the salesman said, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." After some deliberation Mikey bought one, deciding it would really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrived at the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. "What is it?" they asked. "It's a thermos," Mikey replied. "What does it do?" they asked. "Well," Mikey says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "What do ya got in it?" To which Mikey says, "Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."

* * *

A policeman came upon a super-salesman about to jump from a bridge and yelled, "Wait, Fellow! Please don't do that !!!" The salesman said, "Why not ?" and proceeded to expound on his views on the shaky economy, declining family life and Clinton politics. Shortly thereafter, they both jumped.

* * *

"No, no, no!" said the enraged businessman to the persistent salesman. "I cannot see you today!" "That's fine," said the salesman, "I'm selling spectacles."

* * *

Read more Salesmen jokes

School jokes

Sample humor:

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow? Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

* * *

Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4? Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

* * *

What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria? The food!

* * *

Read more School jokes

Snake jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call a snake who works for the governement ? A civil serpent !

* * *

Why did the viper want to become a python? He got the coiling.

* * *

What do you give a sick snake ? Asp-rin !

* * *

Read more Snake jokes

Snowman jokes

Sample humor:

Where do Snowmen go to dance? To snowballs.

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How does a Snowman get to work? By icicle.

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What is a snowman's favorite book ? War and Frozen Peas !

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Space jokes

Sample humor:

Why don't astronauts keep their jobs very long? Because as soon as they start they get fired.

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President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news." "Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first." "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

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Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One had to go on a space walk while the other stayed inside. When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, he discovered that the cabin door was locked, so he knocked. There was no answer. He knocked again, louder this time. There was still no answer. Finally he hammered at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying, 'Who's there?'

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Spelling jokes

Sample humor:

"I gotta 'A' in spelling," Tony told his father. "You dope!" he replied. "There isn't any 'A' in 'spelling'!"

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Spell electricity with three letters. NRG (energy).

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Can you spell eighty in two letters? A-T.

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Sport jokes

Sample humor:

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

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What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!

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Teeth jokes

Sample humor:

Mother: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?...Son: I don't know. The dentist kept it

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What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards? He ate himself!

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A man coughed violently, and his false teeth shot across the room and smashed against the wall. "Oh, dear," he said, "whatever shall I do? I can't afford a new set." "Don't worry," said his friend. "I'll get a pair from my brother for you." The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which fitted perfectly. "This is wonderful," said the man. "Your brother must be a very good dentist." "Oh, he's not a dentist," replied the friend, "he's an undertaker."

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Telephone jokes

Sample humor:

Why are there so many Johnson in he phone book? They all have phones.

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What do you call the sound a ghost makes when he calls you? A phone moan.

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Mother: Why was the phone busy all night? Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.

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Time jokes

Sample humor:

How can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb? You can hear their brooms tick!

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Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.

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If twenty dogs run after one cat, what time is it? Twenty after one.

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Travel and tourist jokes

Sample humor:

A pair of tourists were out in the fields when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm house. Of course they're curious so they drop a small stone into the well, but they never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a larger rock and drop it into the well but once again hear nothing. They decide they need something larger and search the farm yard for a larger object. After much struggle, they manage to drag a large railroad tie to the edge of the well and drop it over the edge. After several seconds, a goat tears across the yard and without any hesitation, dives head first into the open hole. The two tourists stand in amazement. About then a farmer appears and tells them he is looking for a lost goat. The tourists tell the farmer about the goat diving into the well. "That couldn't be my goat", the farmer replies, "My goat was grazing in the field roped to a railroad tie!"

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A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

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A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

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Vampire jokes

Sample humor:

What do vampire footballers have at half-time? Blood oranges.

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How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.

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Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin? It wanted to play squash.

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Various animal jokes

Sample humor:

What are the most athletic rodents? Track and field mice.

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Where do sharks come from? Sharkago!

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How does a group of dolphin's make a decision? Flipper coin!

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Waiter jokes

Sample humor:

Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?

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Customer: Waiter, I found a hair in my turtle soup. Waiter: How about that! The turtle and the hare finally got together.

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Waiter, there is a cockroach on my steak ! They don't seem to care what they eat do they sir !

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Weather jokes

Sample humor:

Q:What did the tornado say to the car? A:('You wanna go for a spin?')

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If a band plays music in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightning? The conductor.

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Why is the sky not happy on clear days? It has the blues

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Witch jokes

Sample humor:

How does a witch doctor ask a girl to dance ? 'Voodoo like to dance with me ?'

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Is it good to drink witch's brew? Yes, it's very newt tricious!

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Old witch: Now I know you want a job with me. Do you tell lies? Young witch: No, but I can pick it up.

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Women jokes

Sample humor:

Why do women have smaller feet than men? - It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

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Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth? Fred: I don't know, Sir. Teacher: Come on, Fred, it has something to do with an apple. Fred: Granny Smith?

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A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

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Yo momma jokes

Sample humor:

Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.

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Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

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Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!

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Zodiac jokes

Sample humor:

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!

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Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

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Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.

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Zoo jokes

Sample humor:

When an ape visits his tailor, what kind of a suit does he order? A zoo-t suit!

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The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

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A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages "An' whut animal would that be ?" he asked the keeper. "Thats a moose from Canada", came the reply. "A moose !!", exclaimed the Scotsman. "Hoots, mon, if that's a moose then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !"

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