Aardvark jokes

Sample humor:

Who's aardvark's favorite male singer? Frank Sinostril!

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What do you call a boxing match between two aardvarks? A snout bout!

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When is an aardvark jumpy? When he's got ants in his pants!

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Accountant jokes

Sample humor:

What's an actuary? An accountant without the sense of humour.

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How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb? How many did it take last year?

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What does an accountant say when you ask him the time? It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......

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Answer me this jokes

Sample humor:

If all the nations in the world are in the debt, where did all the money go?

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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

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Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

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Ant jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call an and with frogs legs ? An antphibian !

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How many ants are needed to fill an apartment ? Ten ants !

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How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics ?

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Apple jokes

Sample humor:

What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!

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If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.

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Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?" "That's what they say," said his Dad. "Well, give me an apple quick ? I've just broken the doctor's window!"

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Aviation jokes

Sample humor:

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

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Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE in-flight?...... It's not because of the film's content, it's because the people in the film are eating better than the people on board.

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A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better." The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level. Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?" "I just shut down two engines, kid."

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Baby jokes

Sample humor:

I see the baby's nose is running again," said a worried father. "For goodness sake!" snapped his wife. "Can't you think of anything other than horse racing?"

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Baby ! Baby who ? Baby love, my baby love.... !

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What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby ? A cry for Alp !

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Banana jokes

Sample humor:

What would you call two bananas? A pair of slippers.

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What is long and yellow and always points north? A magnetic banana.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Banana ! Banana who ? Banana split so ice creamed !

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

Sample humor:

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

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A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

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A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

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Barbie doll jokes

Sample humor:

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Siamese Twins Barbie ...complete with surgical instruments

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Hippie Barbie ...complete with simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Princess Leia Barbie ...Barbie with the hairdo from Star Wars

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Bath jokes

Sample humor:

Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath, Mrs Soap? Mrs Soap: No, doctor. By the time I'd drunk the bath there wasn't room for medicine.

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Where does a vampire take a bath? In the bat-room (bathroom).

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What kind of bath can you take without water? A sun bath.

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Beauty jokes

Sample humor:

Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week. Mrs Baggy: Tried to? Mrs Saggy: Yes, they couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her face!

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Julie had broken off her engagement. Her friend asked her what had happened. 'I thought it was love at first sight,' said Julie. 'It was, but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind.

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Little Johnny and his mother were on a train. Johnny leant over and started to whisper in his mother's ear. 'Johnny, how many times have I told you,' said his mother, ' it's rude to whisper. If you have something to say, say it out loud.' 'OK, said Johnny, 'why does the lady over there look like an ugly, haggard old witch ?'

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Bed jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call a python with a great bedside manner? A snake charmer.

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Shall I tell you the joke about the bed? No, because it hasn't been made up yet.

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Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister's bed? Son: I couldn't find a spider.

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Bicycle jokes

Sample humor:

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up for itself? Because it was two-tyred.

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What did the bicycle call its dad? Pop-cycle

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What is a ghost-proof bicycle? One with no spooks in it.

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Biologist jokes

Sample humor:

There were these two Engineers who decided they would go moose hunting in the backwoods of British Columbia. As it happened, they lucked out and got a moose. Unfortunately, they were about a mile from their truck. They were having a tough time dragging the animal by the hind legs when a Wildlife Biologist happened upon them. He said, "You know, the hair follicles on a moose have a grain to them that causes the hair to lie toward the back. The way you are dragging that moose, it increases your coefficient of friction by a huge margin. If you grab it by the antlers and pull, you will find the work required to be quite minimal." The Engineers thanked him and started dragging the moose by the antlers. After about an hour, one Engineer said, "I can't believe how easy it is to move this moose this way. I sure am glad we ran across that Biologist." "Yeah.", said the other. "But we're getting further and further away from our truck."

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A biologist from the North Pole was showing a new recruit the ropes of a polar bear radio tracking program. The new recruit said, "I know how the transmitters work, but I have one question--how do you catch the polar bears in the first place?" "I bet you use high-powered tranquilizer dart guns, right?" "Oh no!" the experienced biologist replied, "we use an ancient Eskimo technique, developed centuries ago. First, we dig a huge hole in the ice. Next, we place a circle of green peas all the way around the hole. Then, we go hide behind some ice blocks and wait. Finally, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea, we kick him in the ice-hole !!!"

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Garvin the mammalogist, was in Alaska studying polar bear. In sub-zero weather, he would spend 7 days out on the ice. But, after his 7 days in the field, he would return to the small town and spend a day or two resting up and drinking in the only bar in town. On one particular day it was 40 below zero and Garvin made his way into the bar. He asked Bud, the bartender, for a whiskey. "I don't know, Garvin, you sure have run-up a big bill in here." The bartender told him. " I know," Garvin replied, "But I'm flat broke, and I sure could use a drink. "OK," The barkeep told him, "I'll just write your tab down on the piece of paper and pin it up here by the coat rack." "Oh no, don't do that, I don't want everyone in town to see it. "Don't worry," The bartender replied, "I'm going to cover it up with your parka until its paid!"

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Bird jokes

Sample humor:

Why did the chick disappoint his mother ? He wasn't what he was cracked up to be !

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What do you call the place where parrots make films? Pollywood!

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Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken.

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Birthday jokes

Sample humor:

Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.

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A man who forgets his wife's birthday is certain to get something to remember her by.

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Why did Davy Crockett always wear a coonskin cap? It was a birthday present from his wife!

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Blind jokes

Sample humor:

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. "Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

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Q: What did a blind boy's parent's do to punish him? A: Rearranged the furniture

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Q: Why was a blind man's leg wet? A: Her dog was blind too.

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Blonde jokes

Sample humor:

Q: What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age? A: "Today children, we will learn our ABC's"

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Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins? A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.

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Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe.

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Book title jokes

Sample humor:

Food on the Table by E. Tittup

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Making Snacks by San Widge

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They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

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Brother and sister jokes

Sample humor:

My sister is so dim she thinks that a cartoon is a song you sing in a car.

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Michael: It's hard for my sister to eat. Maureen: Why ? Michael: She can't bear to stop talking.

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A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. 'Well,' said the Scout. 'Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it.'

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Burger jokes

Sample humor:

Can a hamburger marry a hot dog? Only if they have a very frank relationship!

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Do hamburgers make good vampires? No, because they always find themselves in ghoulash situations!

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Why were the burgers in the refrigerator embarrassed? They saw the salad dressing!

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Bus jokes

Sample humor:

Do buses and trains run on time? Usually, yes. No, they don't. Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks.

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Why did the bus stop? Because it saw the zebra crossing.

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What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold? One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.

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Business jokes

Sample humor:

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held." "Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

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American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time. The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. "You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican. The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!" "Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

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Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time? A: A dependent Claus.

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Cannibal jokes

Sample humor:

What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!

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Two cannibals were having lunch. "Your wife makes a great soup," said one to the other. "Yes!" agreed the first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."

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Q. What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner? A. The cold shoulder.

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Car and train jokes

Sample humor:

One day there was a family driving in the car to Michigan to visit their relatives. They were looking for the street they had to turn on to get to their relatives house. They accedently turned on the wrong street so they had to pull in a driveway and turn around. When they pulled into the driveway the girl asked her mother "Why dont these people have electricity?" Very confused the mother said, "Wut are u talking about?" The girl quickly replied, "Well, the sign back there said NO OUTLET!"

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Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.

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Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there." "What if that was vandalised?" "Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas." This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

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Cat jokes

Sample humor:

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: - Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. - No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. - You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. - Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. - No cat or teenager shares you taste in music. - Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. - Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. - Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. - Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. - Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

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If a cat won an Oscar, what would he get? An a-cat-emy award.

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Q: Where do cats write down notes? - A: Scratch Paper!

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Children jokes

Sample humor:

'William, I've been told that you have been fighting with the boys next door,' said mum. 'yes, but they're twins, so I wanted some way to tell the apart.'

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A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said, "I was being the ring bear."

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A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

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Christmas jokes

Sample humor:

What do gnomes fear most about Christmas? They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!

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Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a cricket match? Because they're both stopped by the rein.

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What does Father Christmas call his money ? Iced lolly ?

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Clinton jokes

Sample humor:

Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up? A: "Good morning, Bill."

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During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"

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Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

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College jokes

Sample humor:

On what kind of ships do students study? Scholarships.

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Tad answered the Tennessee State frat house phone. "Hi," said the voice, "this is Rollie. Come on over, we're having a real wildass party." "Shit, Ah'd shore love to," said Tad, "but Ah got me a bad case of gonorrhea." "Bring it along!" answered Rollie. "The way thangs is goin', mah buddies'll drink anythin'!"

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Teenage Driver: But, officer, I'm a college man. Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.

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Computer jokes

Sample humor:

What do you get if you cross a constable with a computer? PC Plod.

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Got this email from a friend: CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

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Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

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Cow jokes

Sample humor:

How does a cow do math? With a cowculator!

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What goes oo ooo oooo? A cow with no lips.

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What do you get if you cross a cow with a tension headache? A bad mood!

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Cowboy jokes

Sample humor:

Teacher: When do astronauts eat? Pupil: At launch time!

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A police officer saw a man dressed as a cowboy in the street, complete with huge stetson hat, spurs, and six shooters. "Excuse me, sir," said the police officer, "who are you?" "My name's Tex, officer," said the cowboy. " eh?" said the police officer, "Are you from Texas?" "Nope, Louisiana." "Louisiana? So why are you called Tex?" "Don't want to be called Louise, do I .

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Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom. They tied the noose around the second cowboy's head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away. As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, "Please! Would yaw'l tighten that noose a little bit? I can't swim!"

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Criminal jokes

Sample humor:

When the school was broken into, the thieves took absolutely everything - desks, books, blackboards, everything apart from the soap in the lavatories and all the towels. The police are looking for a pair of dirty criminals.

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"What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?" asked the judge. "Well, Your Honor," replied the arresting officer, "I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, 'I want to listen to it on my record-player!' "

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Did you hear about the burglar who fell in the cement mixer? Now he's a hardened criminal.

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Dance jokes

Sample humor:

Who is tall, dark and a great dancer ? Dark Raver !

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What sort of dance do fish do at parties ? The conga !

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What dance did the Pilgrims do? The Plymouth Rock.

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Dead and dying jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years? Pete.

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I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week. Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.

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Doctor, doctor, I'm at death's door! Don't worry, Mrs Jenkins. An operation will soon pull you through.

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Dentist jokes

Sample humor:

What did the dentist say to the computer?...This won't hurt a byte

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Cloyd went to a Charleston dentist complaining his gums had shriveled up and his teeth were falling out. After examining him, the dentist said, "Your mouth is really bad. Do you brush?" "Ah sure do!" replied Cloyd. "Everee single day!" "What do you brush with?" asked the dentist, "Preparation H," said the redneck.

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Why does a dentist seem moody? Because he always looks down in the mouth.

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Dinosaur jokes

Sample humor:

Q: What dinosaur loves pancakes? A: A tri-syrup-tops.

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Q: What do you call a Blind Dinosaur? A: Do-ya-think-he-saurus.

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Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? A: What a lavaly day!

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Divorce jokes

Sample humor:

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

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A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

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Doctor and nurse jokes

Sample humor:

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!

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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell? Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

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Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion? Of course, come back tomorrow!

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Dog jokes

Sample humor:

What is a Chihuahua's favorite sport? Miniature golf!

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How can you tell a dog from an elephant? The elephant remembers.

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What wears a black, white, and tan coat but has no hair? A bald beagle!

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E-mail jokes

Sample humor:

How do wasps send messages? By bee-mail.

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How do mountainers send messages? By ski-mail.

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Teacher: You've been e-mailing other pupils that I'm ugly! Pupil: Sorry, miss, I didn't realise you wanted to keep it a secret.

* * *

Read more E-mail jokes

Easter jokes

Sample humor:

Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? He was having a bad hare day!

* * *

What's red and blue and sogs up your Easter basket? Coloured scrambled eggs

* * *

What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person? An Easter basket case!

* * *

Read more Easter jokes

Elephant jokes

Sample humor:

Q: What is the pink stuff between elephant's toes? A: Slow clowns.

* * *

What is an elephants favourite film ? Elephantasia

* * *

What is stronger an elephant or a snail ? A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk !

* * *

Read more Elephant jokes

Ethnic jokes

Sample humor:

Have you heard about the latest Polish parachute? It opens on impact.

* * *

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

* * *

Q: What's the motto of the Polish Solidarity Union? A: Every man for himself.

* * *

Read more Ethnic jokes

Face jokes

Sample humor:

Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.

* * *

Did you hear about the witch who was so ugly that when a tear rolls down her cheek it takes one look at her face and rolls straight up again?

* * *

A little boy came running into the kitchen. "Dad, dad," he said, "there's a monster at the door with a really ugly face." "Tell him you've already got one," said his father.

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Read more Face jokes

Farmer jokes

Sample humor:

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

* * *

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

* * *

Why are farmers cruel? Because they pull corn by the ears.

* * *

Read more Farmer jokes

Firefighter jokes

Sample humor:

A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work. When confronted by his boss the man explained: "You can't park anywhere near this place!"

* * *

After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire." The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.

* * *

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and headed for the door ... his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!" Tom replied, "I'm not, but my girlfriend's husband is..."

* * *

Read more Firefighter jokes

Fishing jokes

Sample humor:

How do fish go into business ? The start on a small scale !

* * *

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

* * *

"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend. "Why shouldn't I?" said Jane. "Well, maybe he is having an affair?" "No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."

* * *

Read more Fishing jokes

Food jokes

Sample humor:

I went to see my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking. What did he say? He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate. Did that do any good? No - I can't get the chocolate to light.

* * *

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

* * *

Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. "Why are we running so fast?" asked one. "Because," said the second, "it says 'tear along the dotted line'!"

* * *

Read more Food jokes

Frog jokes

Sample humor:

Why do frogs have webbed feet ? To stamp out forest fires !

* * *

What do you get if you cross a frog with a decathlete? Someone who pole-vaults without a pole.

* * *

I'd like a new frog, please. But you bought one only yesterday. What happened? It Kermit-ted suicide.

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Read more Frog jokes

Ghost jokes

Sample humor:

What's a ghosts favorite ride at the carnival? The roller ghosted.

* * *

What do you get is you cross a ghost with a packet of potato chips? Snacks that go crunch in the night.

* * *

One night, after closing time a barman is sitting at his bar minding his own buisiness, when a spectral hound floats in through the door. The barman, being an exceptionally cool kind of guy, asks "yeah, what do you want?". The phantom hound explains, in a haunting voice "I've lost my tail...... and cannot rest until a kindly barman stitches it back-on". At this request the barman stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog..... "Sorry, but we don't re-tail spirits at this time of night".

* * *

Read more Ghost jokes

Gorilla jokes

Sample humor:

What do they feed a gorilla when he goes to Paris? Ape Suzettes!

* * *

Why are Gorillas underpaid? They're willing to work peanuts!

* * *

How come the giant Ape climbed up the side of the skyscraper? The elevator was broken!

* * *

Read more Gorilla jokes

Hair and bald jokes

Sample humor:

What's a barber's favourite kind of holiday? Cruising on a clipper.

* * *

What do you get if you cross a hairdresser and a bucket of cement ? Permanent waves !

* * *

A woman was cutting her husband's thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack. She ofered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities. "It has more vitamin C than an orange," she remarked. "And more hair than Dad," added their son.

* * *

Halloween jokes

Sample humor:

What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? An amoeboo!

* * *

What did the really ugly man do for a living? He posed for Halloween masks.

* * *

A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet over his head. 'Are you here as a ghost ?' asked his friends 'No, I'm an undercover agent".

* * *

Read more Halloween jokes

Heaven and hell jokes

Sample humor:

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. "Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler. "I was a good father," he answers. "Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance." St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."

* * *

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. "How did you get here?" he asked. And the new angel replied, "Flu..."

* * *

A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates. The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell. The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell. The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven."

* * *

History jokes

Sample humor:

I'm learning ancient history ? So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times !

* * *

Woman: Why are you begging for a quarter? Beggar: I didn't think someone like you would give me a dollar.

* * *

How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships ? With their eyes shut !

* * *

Read more History jokes

Horse jokes

Sample humor:

How do you go about hiring a horse? Try two pairs of stilts!

* * *

Have you read the book, "100-mile Horse Trek" Who wrote it? Major Bumsore

* * *

Why did the horse go behind the tree? To change his jockeys.

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Read more Horse jokes

Humor jokes

Sample humor:

Q. Why did the belt go to jail? A. Because he held up a pair of pants!

* * *

My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble is, he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves himself.

* * *

Clown: Why are you wearing such a large shirt? Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.

* * *

Read more Humor jokes

Hunting jokes

Sample humor:

Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot. 'Don't waste your time,' Pat hollered. 'The rifle is not loaded.' 'I can't wait,' Mike shouted back. 'The bird will be gone if I take the time to load!'

* * *

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

* * *

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

* * *

Read more Hunting jokes

Idiot and fool jokes

Sample humor:

Did you hear about the dumb father who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30 minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?

* * *

Did you hear about the Omaha mother who got tired of putting name tags on her son's shirts, so she had his name legally changed to "Machine Washable"?

* * *

Slim walked into his local post office and noticed a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN MONTANA "Gosh!" he said, "If n only that job was in Texas, Ah'd take it!"

* * *

Insect jokes

Sample humor:

If a flea and a fly pass each other what time is it? Fly past flea.

* * *

What are ants called when they run away very fast to get married? Ant-elopers.

* * *

What did the worm say to the other when he was late home ? Where in earth have you been !

* * *

Read more Insect jokes

Internet jokes

Sample humor:

What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address? Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

* * *

Can you show me how to use the Internet? I'd better - otherwise you'll just go round and round in circles.

* * *

Where is Pinocchio's website? On the splinternet.

* * *

Read more Internet jokes

Journalist jokes

Sample humor:

Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window? He wanted to see a butterfly.

* * *

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

* * *

What do you get if you cross a ghost and a newsreader ? A spooksman !

* * *

Read more Journalist jokes

Judge jokes

Sample humor:

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

* * *

Judge: "Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?" Defendant: "Yes, it's true." Judge: "Then, why don't you just pay him back?" Defendant: "Because it wouldn't be true anymore."

* * *

The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" "I do." "Now what do you say to defend yourself?" "Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."

* * *

Read more Judge jokes

King Kong jokes

Sample humor:

What do you get if you cross King Kong with a giant frog? A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building and catches aeroplanes with its tongue.

* * *

What do you get if you cross King Kong with a budgie? A messy cage.

* * *

Why did King Kong join the army? To learn about gorilla warfare.

* * *

Read more King Kong jokes

Knock Knock jokes

Sample humor:

Knock Knock Who's there ? Chaz ! Chaz who ? Chaz nasty as you wanna be !

* * *

Knock Knock Who's there ! Alfred ! Alfred who ! Alfred of the dark !

* * *

Knock Knock Who's there ! Bhuto ! Bhuto who ? Bhuto-n the other foot !

* * *

Read more Knock Knock jokes

Lawyer jokes

Sample humor:

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers? New Jersey had first choice.

* * *

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

* * *

First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning? Second person: No. First person: Good!

* * *

Read more Lawyer jokes

Letter jokes

Sample humor:

Betty was scribbling industriously over some paper with a pencil when her mother asked her what she was drawing. "I'm not drawing, Mom," she said indignantly, "I'm writing a letter to Fred." "But you can't write," Mom pointed out. "That's all right," said Betty, "Fred can't read."

* * *

Where do ghosts mail their letters? At the ghost office.

* * *

Have you ever seen a duchess? Yes - it's the same as an English "s"

* * *

Read more Letter jokes

Lotto jokes

Sample humor:

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari. "Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings. That night, his wife asks him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she find that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. "And this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?!"

* * *

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help. "Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize. Joe again looked up and prayed... "Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck. Once again, he prayed... "Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... " Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself: "Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One. Buy A Ticket!"

* * *

Read more Lotto jokes

Marriage jokes

Sample humor:

A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!" Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"

* * *

A man was complaining to a friend. "I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out."

* * *

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

* * *

Read more Marriage jokes

Men jokes

Sample humor:

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

* * *

What's a man idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

* * *

What does a man consider to be a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack.

* * *

Read more Men jokes

Mental health jokes

Sample humor:

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered. The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me." The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"

* * *

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? "Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?"

* * *

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

* * *

Military jokes

Sample humor:

General Heath, a famous lover of parade music and marching drill ceremonies, once listened to a symphonic orchestra playing. When asked about his impressions, he commented: "No military precision in drill..." "Why?" "Did you see those violin players? They were moving their bows not in cadence."

* * *

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

* * *

Paddy 'n' Mick join the army, and are put on street patrol in a city with a military curfew. They are given instructions to shoot anybody who's on the streets after 6 o'clock. So one day, they're out at twenty to 6, when Paddy spots a man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots the man dead. Mick is shocked. "What are you doin', Paddy? It ain't 6 yet!" "I know what I'm doin'. I know where he lives and he wouldn't have made it!"

* * *

Read more Military jokes

Money jokes

Sample humor:

How do thunderstorms invest their money? -In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets

* * *

Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money. "I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it." "I've spent my last buck," said the deer. "Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk. "Getting here cost me my last scent."

* * *

Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

* * *

Read more Money jokes

Monster jokes

Sample humor:

An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven legs walked into a tailors shop. 'Quick!' shouted the tailor to his assistant. 'Hide the "Free Alterations" sign!'

* * *

What do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster? Sir.

* * *

Why did the monster put the cake in the freezer? Because he had been told to ice it.

* * *

Read more Monster jokes

Mouse jokes

Sample humor:

What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer ? Mice cubes !

* * *

What is small, furry and smells like bacon ? A hamster !

* * *

What do rodents say when they play bingo ? 'Eyes down for a full mouse' !

* * *

Read more Mouse jokes

Movie and TV jokes

Sample humor:

What sort of animals make the best TV presenters ? Gnus - readers !

* * *

One agent stops by another agent's table to tell him the big news: "Elvis just died!" The second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. "Good career move."

* * *

Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one more, guys, I promise.

* * *

Read more Movie and TV jokes

Music jokes

Sample humor:

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: Half a measure.

* * *

Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

* * *

Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

* * *

Read more Music jokes

Old age jokes

Sample humor:

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

* * *

Fred: I haven't slept a wink for the past two nights. Harry: Why's that? Fred: Granny broke her leg. The doctor put it in plaster and told her she shouldn't walk upstairs. You should hear the row when she climbs up the drainpipe.

* * *

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.

* * *

Read more Old age jokes

Parent jokes

Sample humor:

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

* * *

Mrs. Ellis came home from work one evening to find her three-year-old son lighting up a cigar. She raced into the kitchen where her husband was making dinner. "Hey!" she announced. "This is terrible! I just caught Matthew lighting a cigar!" "You put a stop to that right now," he shouted. "That kid is altogether too young to be playing with matches!"

* * *

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

* * *

Read more Parent jokes

Pig jokes

Sample humor:

Why wouldn't the piglet's mother let her read romantic novels? She was afraid her daughter would run away with a wolf.

* * *

When pigs have a party, who jumps out of the cake? Nobody. The pigs all jump in.

* * *

Why did the pig send his story to New York? He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.

* * *

Read more Pig jokes

Police jokes

Sample humor:

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

* * *

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

* * *

A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding. The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?" The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."

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Political jokes

Sample humor:

Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get? A: Coffee.

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Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals. On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

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Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.

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Rabbit jokes

Sample humor:

What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange? A pip squeak.

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Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit? It was an inn-grown hare!

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How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!

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Religious jokes

Sample humor:

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

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What do you get when you cross a Jehova's witness with a business man? A door to door salesman!

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Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds.

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Restaurant jokes

Sample humor:

I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

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Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger ? No, but in the restaurant next door I once saw a man eating chicken !

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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

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Read more Restaurant jokes

Salesmen jokes

Sample humor:

The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out. Well," the man began, "I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said 'Yes.' Then I asked her 'why ?' She replied, 'Because I love you'."

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One day Mikey was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object. "What is that?" Mikey asked. "It's a thermos," the salesman replied. "What does it do?" asked Mikey. "This baby," the salesman said, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." After some deliberation Mikey bought one, deciding it would really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrived at the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. "What is it?" they asked. "It's a thermos," Mikey replied. "What does it do?" they asked. "Well," Mikey says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "What do ya got in it?" To which Mikey says, "Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."

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How do salespeople traditionally greet each other? "Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

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School jokes

Sample humor:

'Ann!' the teacher shouted one day at the girl who had been daydreaming out the window. 'If India has the world's second largest population, oranges are 50 cents for six and it costs $3 for a day return to Austin, how old am I ? 'Thirty two!' 'Why did you say that ?' 'Well, my brother's sixteen and he's half mad !'

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Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to? Pupil: Nobody I know!

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An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked

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Snake jokes

Sample humor:

What's long, green and goes hith ? A snake with a lisp !

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Why did some snakes disobey Noah when he said "Go forth and multiply" ? They couldn't, they were adders !

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What do you call a snake who works for the governement ? A civil serpent !

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Snowman jokes

Sample humor:

What do Snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.

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How does a Snowman get to work? By icicle.

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Where do snowmen go to dance ? Snowballs !

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Space jokes

Sample humor:

Two aliens from outer space landed in Las Vegas and were wandering around the casinos. One of them volunteered to go inside and see what was happening. He came out looking rather shocked. "What's the matter?" asked his friend. "It's a very popular place," replied the first alien. "It's full of creatures that keep throwing up little metal discs."

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Teacher: What do you think astronauts wear to keep warm? Girl: Apollo neck jumpers ?

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A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it. The woman noticed the letters ''U.F.O.'' printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked ''Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object?'' The alien answered, ''No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!''

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Spelling jokes

Sample humor:

Can you read the following? Yy u r yy u b I c u r yy 4 me. Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me.

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How do you spell wrong? R?o?n?g. That's wrong. That's what you asked for, isn't it?

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Spell electricity with three letters. NRG (energy).

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Sport jokes

Sample humor:

Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat? To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

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After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

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Teeth jokes

Sample humor:

Mother: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?...Son: I don't know. The dentist kept it

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A man coughed violently, and his false teeth shot across the room and smashed against the wall. "Oh, dear," he said, "whatever shall I do? I can't afford a new set." "Don't worry," said his friend. "I'll get a pair from my brother for you." The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which fitted perfectly. "This is wonderful," said the man. "Your brother must be a very good dentist." "Oh, he's not a dentist," replied the friend, "he's an undertaker."

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What did one tooth say to the other tooth? "Thar's gold in them thar fills."

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Read more Teeth jokes

Telephone jokes

Sample humor:

What did the answering machine say to the telephone? Take my word for it.

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What do you call the sound a ghost makes when he calls you? A phone moan.

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Mother: Why was the phone busy all night? Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.

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Read more Telephone jokes

Time jokes

Sample humor:

Why couldn't the clock be kept in jail? Because time was always running out.

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If twenty dogs run after one cat, what time is it? Twenty after one.

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What are your two favourite times to party? Daytime and night-time!

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Read more Time jokes

Travel and tourist jokes

Sample humor:

A pair of tourists were out in the fields when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm house. Of course they're curious so they drop a small stone into the well, but they never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a larger rock and drop it into the well but once again hear nothing. They decide they need something larger and search the farm yard for a larger object. After much struggle, they manage to drag a large railroad tie to the edge of the well and drop it over the edge. After several seconds, a goat tears across the yard and without any hesitation, dives head first into the open hole. The two tourists stand in amazement. About then a farmer appears and tells them he is looking for a lost goat. The tourists tell the farmer about the goat diving into the well. "That couldn't be my goat", the farmer replies, "My goat was grazing in the field roped to a railroad tie!"

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Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock." Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?" The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

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A man arrived at a seaside hotel where he had made a reservation rather late at night. All the lights were out, so he knocked on the door. After a long time a light appeared in an upstairs window and a woman called out, "Who are you? What do you want?" "I'm staying here!" "Stay there, then," she retorted, and slammed the window shut!

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Vampire jokes

Sample humor:

What is Dracula's favorite fruit? Neck-tarines.

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What do vampire footballers have at half-time? Blood oranges.

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Why is Hollywood full of vampires? They need someone to play the bit parts.

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Read more Vampire jokes

Various animal jokes

Sample humor:

Two skunks were being chased by a bear. As the bear got closer, one of the skunks said "Whatever shall we do?" "Let us spray!" replied the other.

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What happens when sharks take their clothes off ? They go sharkers !

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What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle ? A polo bear !

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Waiter jokes

Sample humor:

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None, a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.

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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

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Weather jokes

Sample humor:

Why do hurricanes travel so fast? Because if they travelled slowly, we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.

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Years ago, Nebraskans got tired of leaning into the wind, having their top soil blown away, and chickens laying their eggs two and three times. Seems the wind continually came down from Canada, and there was nothing between Canada and Nebraska to stop it. The farmers all got together and decided to build a fence across the North Border of the State of Nebraska. . . . the idea being, to stop that cold wind. It might've worked, too. The barbed wire they used was strong enough, .but the real problem was that a couple owners of farms on the upper boarder kept leaving their gates open.

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How is snow white? -Pretty good, according to the 7 dwarfs

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Witch jokes

Sample humor:

How does a witch doctor ask a girl to dance ? 'Voodoo like to dance with me ?'

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What goes cackle, cackle, boom? A witch in a minefield.

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Is it good to drink witch's brew? Yes, it's very newt tricious!

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Read more Witch jokes

Women jokes

Sample humor:

QUESTION: What's the best way to get a youthful figure? ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.

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Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth? Fred: I don't know, Sir. Teacher: Come on, Fred, it has something to do with an apple. Fred: Granny Smith?

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A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

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Read more Women jokes

Yo momma jokes

Sample humor:

Yo mama head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.

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Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio

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Yo mamma is so stupid she tried to commit suicide by jumping from the basement window.

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Read more Yo momma jokes

Zodiac jokes

Sample humor:

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs. (*smash*)

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Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!

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Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

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Read more Zodiac jokes

Zoo jokes

Sample humor:

One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"? "Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

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Little Jordan wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents, Al and Elaine, for days. Finally Elaine talked Jordan's reluctant father into taking him. And so Jordan and Al got into the car and left. "So how was it?" Elaine asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Jordan replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked Elaine. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Jordan, excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

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When an ape visits his tailor, what kind of a suit does he order? A zoo-t suit!

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