AlltheJokes.com
The best jokes directory.

Aardvark jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call an aardvark good with a light saber? A darthvark!

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What is uglier than an aardvark? Two aardvarks!

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A man wanted a new aardvark so he looked through the classified ads. He phoned a number he found and an elderly lady answered. "How much are your aardvarks?" he asked. "They're L6 each," came the reply. "Did you raise them yourself?" inquired the man. "Oh yes," she said, "Yesterday they were only L5 each."

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Accountant jokes

Sample humor:

What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality.

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How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb? How many did it take last year?

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Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

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Answer me this jokes

Sample humor:

Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?

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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

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Why, if the best things in life are free, the next-best things are so expensive?

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Ant jokes

Sample humor:

How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics ?

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What kind of ant is good at maths ? An accountant !

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What do you call an ant who skips school ? A truant !

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Apple jokes

Sample humor:

How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden

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Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?" "That's what they say," said his Dad. "Well, give me an apple quick ? I've just broken the doctor's window!"

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What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."

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Aviation jokes

Sample humor:

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

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According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

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Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

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Baby jokes

Sample humor:

Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world? She didn't push the pram - she pulled it.

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Why did you drop the baby? Well, Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see if he did.

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What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn? Where's Pop Corn?

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Banana jokes

Sample humor:

How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.

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They're not going to grow bananas any longer. Really? Why not? Because they're long enough already.

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Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

Sample humor:

McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of olives."

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A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

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A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?" The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook."

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Barbie doll jokes

Sample humor:

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - East German Swim Team Barbie ...a Barbie head on a Ken doll

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Grunge Barbie ...with flannel shirt and a goatee

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Chain Smoker Barbie ...with Surgeon General's warning on box

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Bath jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call the ring that worms leave round the bath ? The scum of the earth !

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The plumber was working in a house when the lady of the house said to him, "Will it be alright if I have a bath while you're having your lunch?" "It's okay with me lady," said the plumber, "as long as you don't splash my sandwiches."

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What dog loves to take bubble baths ? A shampoodle !

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Beauty jokes

Sample humor:

People keep telling me I'm beautiful. What vivid imaginations some people have.

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Girlfriend: Will you love me when I'm old and fat and ugly? Boyfriend: Of course I do !

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Two teenage boys were talking in the classroom. One said, 'I took my girlfriend to see 'The bride of Dracula' last night.' 'Oh yeah,' said the other, ' what was she like ?' 'Well she was about six foot six, white as a ghost and she had big red staring eyes and fangs.' The other said, 'Yes, but what was 'The Bride of Dracula' like ?'

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Bed jokes

Sample humor:

Did you hear about the granny who plugged her electric blanket into the toaster by mistake? She spent the night popping out of bed.

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What should you do if you find a snake in your bed? Sleep in the wardrobe.

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Counselor: How many times did I tell you to make your bed? Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!

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Bicycle jokes

Sample humor:

Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.

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Which is the cheapest bicycle you can buy? A penny-farthing.

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What do you get if you cross a chemical and a bicycle ? Bike carbonate of soda !

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Biologist jokes

Sample humor:

Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack. The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says, "What in the world are you doing?" He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a full-grown grizzly bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

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Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?

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How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

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Bird jokes

Sample humor:

Where do birds invest their money ? In the stork market !

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Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)

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Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken.

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Birthday jokes

Sample humor:

Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.

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When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.

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A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

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Blind jokes

Sample humor:

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "You're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said, "You're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a math teacher."

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A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in." The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

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Did you hear about the blind porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!

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Blonde jokes

Sample humor:

This blonde is so stupid, she called me to get my telephone number!

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Q: What do you call a blonde sky diving team? A: A new version of the lawn dart's game.

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Postcard from a blonde: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

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Book title jokes

Sample humor:

The Spicy Sausage by Delia Katessen

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Is this Love? by Midas Wellbee

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Dancing at the Party by Hans Neesanboompsadaisy

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Brother and sister jokes

Sample humor:

Little Brother: I'm going to buy a sea horse. Big Brother: Why? Little Brother: Because I want to play water polo!

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Mum: Why does your little brother jump up and down before taking his medicine? Boy: Because he read the label, and it said 'shake well before using.'

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Michael: It's hard for my sister to eat. Maureen: Why ? Michael: She can't bear to stop talking.

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Burger jokes

Sample humor:

Who was the burger's favourite all-time movie director? Sizzle B. DeMille!

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Can a hamburger marry a hot dog? Only if they have a very frank relationship!

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What famous movie did the hamburger meat think of when they took it out of the freezer? They Fry Who Cam in from the Cold!

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Bus jokes

Sample humor:

Have you seen the bus website? Yes - it's just the ticket!

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Bus passenger: I'd like a ticket to New York, please. Ticket seller: By Buffalo? Bus passenger: Of course not, I'm in the bus queue, aren't I?

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What would you get if you crossed King Kong with a skunk? I don't know but it could always get a seat on a bus!

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Business jokes

Sample humor:

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held." "Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

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A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share." "Buy me 1000 shares." said the client. The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares." The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares said the client." "Great!" said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!" The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."

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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys... all on different limbs,... at different levels,... some climbing up. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

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Cannibal jokes

Sample humor:

Why was the cannibal expelled from school? Because he kept buttering up the teacher.

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What does a cannibal eat with cheese? Pickled organs.

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Two cannibals were having lunch. "Your wife makes a great soup," said one to the other. "Yes!" agreed the first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."

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Car and train jokes

Sample humor:

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs. A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.

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A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front." The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !"

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Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

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Cat jokes

Sample humor:

What do cat actors say on stage ? Tabby or not tabby !

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How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk !

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Q: What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross? - A: A first-aid kit!

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Children jokes

Sample humor:

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Janey Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied, "I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm not."

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Trevor: That's a cool pair of stockings you have on Jill. One red and one green. Jill: Yes, and I have another pair just like it at home.

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A little kid is sitting on a park bench eating abag of chocolates an old man walking by stops to say that if he continues to eat like that he won`t live very long; indignantly the kid says " oh yeah my grandfather lived to be 104 years old" the old man replies "i'm sure he did kid.but it wasn`t from eating all that chocolate "oh no sir" says the kid, it was by minding his own business !

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Christmas jokes

Sample humor:

What does Father Christmas call his money ? Iced lolly ?

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What bird has wings but cannot fly ? Roast turkey !

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I've had a slight accident with your sleigh, Father Christmas! Father Christmas: Oh no! That sleigh was in mint condition! That's all right....now it's a mint with a hole!

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Clinton jokes

Sample humor:

Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

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Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school? A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!

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Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!

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College jokes

Sample humor:

"Now my motto in life," said the school chaplain, "is work hard, play hard and pray hard. How about you, Harriet?" "My motto is let bygones be bygones." "That's good. Why did you choose that?" "Then I wouldn't have to take any history classes!"

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What do you get if you cross a student and an alien ? Something from another universe -ity !

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Why do University of Arkansas graduates tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars? So they can park in handicapped spaces.

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Computer jokes

Sample humor:

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

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The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!" The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

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Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, that's a hardware problem.

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Cow jokes

Sample humor:

Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales? He wanted to see how much the milky weighed!

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Why did the farmer fence in the bull? The farmer had too much of a steak in him to let him go!

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What do you call a cow who argues with her husband? A bullfighter!

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Cowboy jokes

Sample humor:

Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs? He was always horsing around.

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If a cowboy rides into town on Friday and three days later leaves on Friday, how does he do it? The horse's name is Friday!

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The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

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Criminal jokes

Sample humor:

A boy is in a prison cell with no windows and no doors: there are no holes in the ceiling or trapdoors in the floor, yet in the morning the jailers find him gone. How did he get out ? Through the doorway - there were no doors remember !

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What hired killer never goes to jail? The exterminator.

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A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

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Dance jokes

Sample humor:

Two fonts walk into a line dance club. The barman says to them, "Get out. We don't serve your type here."

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What do you call someone who dances on cars ? A morris dancer !

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Q. What do tired line dancers do? A. They Line Down :-)

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Dead and dying jokes

Sample humor:

Waiter, waiter! There's a dead fly in my soup. Oh no! Who's going to look after his family?

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A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country. "There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!" "Oh, my God!" says his friend. "Surely he must have died!" "Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!"

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A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells: "No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

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Dentist jokes

Sample humor:

Nigel: You said the school dentist would be painless, but he wasn't. Teacher: Did he hurt you? Nigel: No, but he screamed when I bit his finger.

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Cloyd went to a Charleston dentist complaining his gums had shriveled up and his teeth were falling out. After examining him, the dentist said, "Your mouth is really bad. Do you brush?" "Ah sure do!" replied Cloyd. "Everee single day!" "What do you brush with?" asked the dentist, "Preparation H," said the redneck.

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What do you call the Scottish dentist ? Phil McCavity !

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Dinosaur jokes

Sample humor:

What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep ? A dinosnore !

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Q5: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? A: Tea Rex?

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What's red on the outside and green on the inside? A dinosaur wearing red pajamas.

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Divorce jokes

Sample humor:

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

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A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

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Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said: "I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month." To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's mighty kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too."

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Doctor and nurse jokes

Sample humor:

Doctor: Have you ever had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, you've got it again!

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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge What's come over you? Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

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Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot. Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!

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Dog jokes

Sample humor:

What happened when the dog went to the flea circus ? He stole the show !

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What does a Chihuahua play basketball with? A tennis ball!

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Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? - A: So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.

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E-mail jokes

Sample humor:

What do werewolves put at the bottom of their e-mails? Beast wishes.

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Why don't vikings send e-mails? They prefer to use Norse code.

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How do long distance runners send e-mail? On the sprin-ternet.

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Easter jokes

Sample humor:

Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs? She had to call an eggs-terminator!

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Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? He was having a bad hare day!

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What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after!

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Elephant jokes

Sample humor:

Q: What is the pink stuff between elephant's toes? A: Slow clowns.

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Teacher: "Where would you find an elephant ?" Pupil:"You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose !"

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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo ? Big holes all over Australia !

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Ethnic jokes

Sample humor:

A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!"). In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly." So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly." Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly." Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing"

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Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!" "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!" The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

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Two Scots, father and son, go to America. - Daddy, when we'll arrive? - Shut up and swim.

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Face jokes

Sample humor:

Louise was watching her big sister covering her face with cream. "What's that for?" she asked. "To make me beautiful," came the reply. Louise then watched in silence as she wiped her face clean. "Doesn't work, does it?" was her comment.

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A woman just back from Arizona was telling her friends about the trip. "When my husband first saw the Grand Canyon, his face dropped a mile," she said. "Why, was he disappointed with the view?" "No, he fell over the edge."

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Patient: The trouble is, doctor, I keep pulling ugly faces. Doctor: Don't worry, I don't expect anyone will notice.

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Farmer jokes

Sample humor:

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

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A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

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Did you hear about the farmer's boy who hated the country ? He went to the big city and got a job as a shoeshine boy and so the farmer made hay while the sun shone !

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Firefighter jokes

Sample humor:

Q: What is the first thing off the truck at a trailer fire? A: Lawn chair.

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Q.How do you put out a fire? A.Take away the HEAT , FUEL , OXYGEN , or the CHIEF!

* * *

A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden." "Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?" "Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard."

* * *

Fishing jokes

Sample humor:

What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing? The cast-a-net.

* * *

"I didn't see you in church last Sunday, Nigel. I hear you were out playing football instead." "That's not true, vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it!"

* * *

Q:what do you catch when you go ice fishing A:a cold

* * *

Food jokes

Sample humor:

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?" Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?" Tom: "The smaller piece, of course." Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

* * *

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

* * *

They say she has a sharp tongue. Yes, she can slice bread with it.

* * *

Frog jokes

Sample humor:

A frog came into a bank to obtain a loan. He spoke to the loan officer Mr. Paddywack. When Mr. Paddywack asked the frog what he had for loan collateral, the frog held out his hand. "What's that?" asked Mr. Paddywack, but the frog could not talk. So, Mr. Paddywack took the frog in to see the manager and explained the situation. The manager then asked the frog what collateral he had for the loan and the frog held out his hand. "Oh," said the manager, "that's a knickknack Paddywack, give the frog a loan."

* * *

Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!

* * *

What's a frogs favourite flower ? A croakus !

* * *

Ghost jokes

Sample humor:

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.

* * *

Where does a ghost refuel his Porsche? At a ghastly station.

* * *

How do you get a ghost to lie perfectly flat? You use a spirit level.

* * *

Gorilla jokes

Sample humor:

A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?'and the deer replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.' The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.' The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant. 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him. The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.'

* * *

What did the Gorilla do when he saw the sign, 'Clean Washroom'? He cleaned it!

* * *

Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Apes during World War Two? Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare!

* * *

Hair and bald jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call a proton with big hair? A 'froton.

* * *

Peg-Leg Baldy A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume party. Being shy and self-conscious about his appearance, he goes to the best costume shop in town. When he gets there, he tells the shop owner his situation and that he would rather cover his head and leg with a costume instead instead of exploiting his apparent problems. So, the shop owner comes back with a lifeguard costume. The man says, "No, no. That will show off my peg leg. I can't hide it with that. Try again." So the shop owner leaves and comes back with a monk costume And again the man says, "No, no. I can't wear that. It will make people notice my head." Obviously pissed off, the shop owner leaves and comes back with a five-pound bag of caramels, gives it to the man and says, "Here. Just take this." Confused, the man says, "What am I suposed to do with a bag of caramels?" Smiling, the shop owner says, "Take home this bag of caramels, melt them, pour it all over your body, stick that peg leg up your ass and tell everyone you're a caramel apple."

* * *

YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.

* * *

Halloween jokes

Sample humor:

What did the really ugly man do for a living? He posed for Halloween masks.

* * *

A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet over his head. "Are you here as a ghost?" asked his friends. "No," he replied, "I'm an unmade bed." Another boy wore a sheet over his head. "Are you an unmade bed?" asked his friends. "No, I'm an undercover agent," he replied.

* * *

What do fishermen say on Halloween? "Trick-or-trout!"

* * *

Heaven and hell jokes

Sample humor:

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.' 'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.' 'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered. 'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'

* * *

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

* * *

In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian.

* * *

History jokes

Sample humor:

Why did Henry VIII have so many wives ? He liked to chop and change !

* * *

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common ? They both have 'the' as their middle names !

* * *

Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons ? Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train !

* * *

Horse jokes

Sample humor:

Did you find my horse well behaved? Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!

* * *

What do you call a horse that's been all around the world? A globe-trotter!

* * *

Why did the man call his horse Fleabag? Because he was often scratched!

* * *

Humor jokes

Sample humor:

Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?

* * *

Why did the janitor take early retirement? Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.

* * *

Which painter always had a very bad cold? Vincent Van Cough

* * *

Hunting jokes

Sample humor:

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I don't know how about you but I'm going to start nibbling grass."

* * *

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

* * *

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks. "What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion. "I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough."

* * *

Idiot and fool jokes

Sample humor:

Did you hear about the Mexican bricklayer who went crazy trying to lay a cornerstone in a roundhouse.

* * *

Carmella and Mario were out on their first date. "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" asked Carmella. "No," said Mario. "Who wrote it?"

* * *

Zack and Tybe, two Alabama farm boys, bought themselves a truckload of watermelons for a buck apiece. They sold each one for a dollar. After counting up their cash, they realized they'd wound up with the same amount of money they'd started out with. "See!" said Tybe. "Ah told yew we shoulda got a bigger truck!"

* * *

Insect jokes

Sample humor:

How does a queen bee get around her hive ? She's throne !

* * *

Why did the firefly keep stealing things ? What goes "snap, crackle and pop" ? A firefly with a short circuit !

* * *

What did the spider say to the fly ? We're getting married do you want to come to the webbing ?

* * *

Internet jokes

Sample humor:

What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address? Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

* * *

Can you show me how to use the Internet? I'd better - otherwise you'll just go round and round in circles.

* * *

Teacher: Don't forget to check the Internet if you have trouble with your homework questions. Pupil: It's not the questions I have trouble with, it's the answers.

* * *

Journalist jokes

Sample humor:

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

* * *

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

* * *

What do you get if you cross a newsreader and a toad ? A croaksman !

* * *

Judge jokes

Sample humor:

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

* * *

The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, "I dont recognize this court!" "Why?" asked the Judge. "Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was here."

* * *

What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom? Answer: Odor, Odor in the court!!!

* * *

King Kong jokes

Sample humor:

What do you get if King Kong falls down a mine shaft? A flat miner.

* * *

What do you do if King Kong sits in front of you at the cinema? Miss most of the film!

* * *

What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty? "Are you my mother?"

* * *

Knock Knock jokes

Sample humor:

Knock Knock Who's there ! Amory ! Amory who ? Amory Christmas and a Happy New Year !

* * *

Knock Knock Who's there ? Comic ! Comic who ? Comic and see me sometime !

* * *

Knock Knock Who's there ! Cynthia ! Cynthia who ? Cynthia you been away I missed you !

* * *

Lawyer jokes

Sample humor:

The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

* * *

How can you tell a lawyer is lying? Other lawyers look interested.

* * *

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. "Darling, it was just a shark," said his wife when he came to. "You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

* * *

Letter jokes

Sample humor:

Betty was scribbling industriously over some paper with a pencil when her mother asked her what she was drawing. "I'm not drawing, Mom," she said indignantly, "I'm writing a letter to Fred." "But you can't write," Mom pointed out. "That's all right," said Betty, "Fred can't read."

* * *

When is a letter damp? When it has postage due (dew).

* * *

What girl's name is like a letter? Kay (K).

* * *

Lotto jokes

Sample humor:

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari. "Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings. That night, his wife asks him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she find that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. "And this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?!"

* * *

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help. "Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize. Joe again looked up and prayed... "Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck. Once again, he prayed... "Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... " Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself: "Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One. Buy A Ticket!"

* * *

Marriage jokes

Sample humor:

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

* * *

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels. "Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you." "If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

* * *

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

* * *

Men jokes

Sample humor:

Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites attract.

* * *

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

* * *

Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

* * *

Mental health jokes

Sample humor:

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

* * *

When they arrived at the therapist's office, the therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the therapist went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

* * *

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."

* * *

Military jokes

Sample humor:

During the Mexican American War, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled, "Hey, Juan!" A soldier jumped up and replied, "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days. A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out, "Hey, John!" An American replied, "John isn't here. Is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah" . . .

* * *

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out, "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!" The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again, and said, "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said, "Good trade, Sir!"

* * *

- How many survivors of nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? - None. People that glow in the dark don't need lights.

* * *

Money jokes

Sample humor:

Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it.

* * *

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979." "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly. "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

* * *

My sister fell in love at second sight. When she first met him she didn't know how rich he was.

* * *

Monster jokes

Sample humor:

What do young female monsters do at parties ? They go around looking for edible bachelors !

* * *

Did you hear about the monster who had an extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them? In a handbag.

* * *

What do you get if you cross a tall green monster with a fountain pen? The Ink-credible Hulk.

* * *

Mouse jokes

Sample humor:

How do you save a drowning mouse ? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !

* * *

What is small, furry and smells like bacon ? A hamster !

* * *

What do rodents say when they play bingo ? 'Eyes down for a full mouse' !

* * *

Movie and TV jokes

Sample humor:

Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.

* * *

What is an Actor? A man who tries to be everything but himself

* * *

What sort of animals make the best TV presenters ? Gnus - readers !

* * *

Music jokes

Sample humor:

Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.

* * *

Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A: A Chopin Liszt.

* * *

Q.How is a heart like a musician? A.They both have a beat :)

* * *

Old age jokes

Sample humor:

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

* * *

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.

* * *

Fred: I haven't slept a wink for the past two nights. Harry: Why's that? Fred: Granny broke her leg. The doctor put it in plaster and told her she shouldn't walk upstairs. You should hear the row when she climbs up the drainpipe.

* * *

Parent jokes

Sample humor:

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

* * *

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

* * *

Talbot and his son James were called to Mrs. Cren-shaw's classroom. "Mr. Talbot," said the teacher, "I asked James 'Who shot Abraham Lincoln?' and he said that he didn't do it!" "Well, teacher," said Talbot, "if my kid said he didn't do it he didn't do it!" Father and son left the school, and on their way home Talbot turned to the boy and asked, "Tell me, son, did you do it?" '

* * *

Pig jokes

Sample humor:

Why did the little piglet fall in love with the hog? Because he was such a sloppy dresser.

* * *

Why did the pig send his story to New York? He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.

* * *

What do you get when you cross a pig with a canary? I don't know, but when it sits on your electric wire and sings, all your lights go out

* * *

Police jokes

Sample humor:

A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia." As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

* * *

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

* * *

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30." The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."

* * *

Political jokes

Sample humor:

Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping. Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.

* * *

Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get? A: Coffee.

* * *

Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment. A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra lightbulb.

* * *

Rabbit jokes

Sample humor:

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda? A berry bubbly bunny.

* * *

Why do rabbits go to the beauty parlor? For hare care.

* * *

What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

* * *

Religious jokes

Sample humor:

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide." Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried. "For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"

* * *

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

* * *

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

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Restaurant jokes

Sample humor:

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

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I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

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Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger ? No, but in the restaurant next door I once saw a man eating chicken !

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Salesmen jokes

Sample humor:

A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double." The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said. "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said. Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?" "Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

* * *

How do salespeople traditionally greet each other? "Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

* * *

A salesman who was out on his territory had a heart attack in his motel room and died. The motel manager called the salesman's company and related the tragedy to the sales manager. The sales manager received the news in a nonchalant manner and told the motel manager, "Return his samples by freight and search his pants for orders."

* * *

School jokes

Sample humor:

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

* * *

Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4? Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

* * *

Why did the teacher put the lights on? Because the class was so dim!

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Snake jokes

Sample humor:

What's the best thing about deadly snakes ? They've got poisonality !

* * *

What do you get if you cross a snake and a lego set ? A boa constructor !

* * *

What's a python's favourite pop group ? Squeeze !

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Snowman jokes

Sample humor:

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ? Frost bite !

* * *

How does a Snowman get to work? By icicle.

* * *

What do you get if you cross King Kong with a snowman? Frostbite.

* * *

Space jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call an alien starship that drips water? A crying saucer !

* * *

What do you call an overweight ET ? An extra cholesterol !

* * *

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news." "Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first." "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

* * *

Spelling jokes

Sample humor:

Daughter: I will never learn to spell. Mother: Why? Daughter: The teacher keeps changing the words.

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School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? Fred: Only when I tried to spell it.

* * *

Can you read the following? Yy u r yy u b I c u r yy 4 me. Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me.

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Sport jokes

Sample humor:

Why are football grounds odd? Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!

* * *

What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence? A flat back four!

* * *

How does a physicist exercise? By pumping ion!

* * *

Teeth jokes

Sample humor:

A man coughed violently, and his false teeth shot across the room and smashed against the wall. "Oh, dear," he said, "whatever shall I do? I can't afford a new set." "Don't worry," said his friend. "I'll get a pair from my brother for you." The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which fitted perfectly. "This is wonderful," said the man. "Your brother must be a very good dentist." "Oh, he's not a dentist," replied the friend, "he's an undertaker."

* * *

Fan: I've always admired you. Are your teeth your own? Actor: Whose do you think they are?

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Why didn't the monster use toothpaste? Because he said his teeth weren't loose.

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Telephone jokes

Sample humor:

Who was that on the phone, Fred? Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia, so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down !

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Party Host: Hello? Phone Caller: I'm trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima. Could you please ask if anybody at your party knows her? Party Host: I'd be glad to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but does anybody know Ima Nidiot?

* * *

How does a cheerleader answer the phone? H-E-L-L-O!

* * *

Time jokes

Sample humor:

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

* * *

How can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb? You can hear their brooms tick!

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1st Roman Soldier: What is the time ? 2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII !

* * *

Travel and tourist jokes

Sample humor:

Two anthropologists fly to the south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later one of them takes a canoe over to the other island to see how his colleague is doing. When he gets there, he finds the other anthropologist standing among a group of natives. "Greetings! How is it going?" says the visiting anthropologist. "Wonderful!" says the other, "I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!" He points at a palm tree and says, "what is that?" The natives, in unison, say "Umbalo-gong!" He then points at a rock and says, "and that?" The natives again intone "Umbalo-gong!" "You see!", says the beaming anthropologist, "They use the SAME word for 'rock' and for 'palm tree'!" "That is truly amazing!" says the astonished visiting anthropologist, "On the other island, the same word means 'index finger'!"

* * *

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

* * *

There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The clerk (or whatever they are called on ships) was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?" She replied, "Well, it looks like it might rain today. I'd better get an inside cabin."

* * *

Vampire jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call a vampire junkie? Count Drugula.

* * *

What is Dracula's favorite fruit? Neck-tarines.

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What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail? I don't know but it would slow him down.

* * *

Various animal jokes

Sample humor:

What should you call a bald teddy ? Fred bear !

* * *

What kind of noise annoys an oyster ? A noisy noise annoys an oyster ! (Try saying that fast!)

* * *

Why are dolphins cleverer than humans ? Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish !

* * *

Waiter jokes

Sample humor:

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

* * *

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None, a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.

* * *

Waiter, there is a maggot in my soup ! Don't worry sir, he won't last long in there !

* * *

Weather jokes

Sample humor:

How did you find the weather at camp? It was easy. I just went outside - and there it was!

* * *

Who is it that everybody listens to but nobody believes? The weatherman.

* * *

If a band plays music in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightning? The conductor.

* * *

Witch jokes

Sample humor:

Did you hear about the TV show with FBI agents and witches? It's called The Hex-Files.

* * *

What goes cackle, cackle, boom? A witch in a minefield.

* * *

Did you hear about the witch who went in for the lovely legs competition? She was beaten by the microphone stand.

* * *

Women jokes

Sample humor:

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? - A woman that won't do what she's told.

* * *

Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth? Fred: I don't know, Sir. Teacher: Come on, Fred, it has something to do with an apple. Fred: Granny Smith?

* * *

What do you calll a woman that people sit on ? Cher !

* * *

Yo momma jokes

Sample humor:

Yo mama is so hairy, that Bigfoot tried to take her picture!

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Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for life

* * *

yo momma so fat the back of her neck is like a pack of hot dogs

* * *

Zodiac jokes

Sample humor:

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: A Leo would order somebody else to change it.

* * *

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn apiece.

* * *

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: A Cancerian would worry herself to death with the problem.

* * *

Zoo jokes

Sample humor:

When an ape visits his tailor, what kind of a suit does he order? A zoo-t suit!

* * *

Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb; when his pal asked him how he had enjoyed his day at the zoo, he replied, "it was a total con! I saw a sign that said To The Monkeys, so I followed it and saw the monkeys. Then I saw another sign that said To The Bears, so I followed that and saw the bears. But when I followed a sign that said To the Exit, I found myself out on the street."

* * *

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..." "Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. "What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.

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