Aardvark jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call a boxing match between two aardvarks? A snout bout!

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Who has a long nose, wears a mask, and sits tall in the saddle? The Lone Aardvark!

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What does an aardvark take for ant-digestion? Anta-Seltzer!

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Accountant jokes

Sample humor:

What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality.

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What does an accountant say when you ask him the time? It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......

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How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb? How many did it take last year?

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Answer me this jokes

Sample humor:

If all the nations in the world are in the debt, where did all the money go?

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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

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Why do we drive on parkways when we park on driveways?

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Ant jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call an and with frogs legs ? An antphibian !

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How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics ?

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What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes ? Antteneye !

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Apple jokes

Sample humor:

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.

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Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?" "That's what they say," said his Dad. "Well, give me an apple quick ? I've just broken the doctor's window!"

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What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.

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Aviation jokes

Sample humor:

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

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A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better." The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level. Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?" "I just shut down two engines, kid."

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At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

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Baby jokes

Sample humor:

Knock Knock Who's there ! Baby ! Baby who ? Baby love, my baby love.... !

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What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby ? A cry for Alp !

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It can't go on! It can't go on! What can't go on? This baby's vest ? it's too small for me.

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Banana jokes

Sample humor:

What is long and yellow and always points north? A magnetic banana.

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What would you call two banana skins ? A pair of slippers.

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What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

Sample humor:

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

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A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

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A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

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Barbie doll jokes

Sample humor:

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Hippie Barbie ...complete with simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Princess Leia Barbie ...Barbie with the hairdo from Star Wars

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Broken Bungee Barbie ...Barbie doll lying broken on the pavement

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Bath jokes

Sample humor:

Hotel guest: Can you give me a room and a bath, please? Porter: I can give you a room, but you'll have to wash yourself.

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How do vampire football players get the mud off? They all get in the bat-tub.

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Boy: Dad, dad, there's a spider in the bath. Dad: What's wrong with that? You've seen spiders before. Boy: Yes, but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot water!

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Beauty jokes

Sample humor:

Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week. Mrs Baggy: Tried to? Mrs Saggy: Yes, they couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her face!

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Julie had broken off her engagement. Her friend asked her what had happened. 'I thought it was love at first sight,' said Julie. 'It was, but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind.

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Little Johnny and his mother were on a train. Johnny leant over and started to whisper in his mother's ear. 'Johnny, how many times have I told you,' said his mother, ' it's rude to whisper. If you have something to say, say it out loud.' 'OK, said Johnny, 'why does the lady over there look like an ugly, haggard old witch ?'

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Bed jokes

Sample humor:

Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister's bed? Son: I couldn't find a spider.

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I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress? Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

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How can you shorten a bed? Don't sleep long in it.

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Bicycle jokes

Sample humor:

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up for itself? Because it was two-tyred.

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What did the bicycle call its dad? Pop-cycle

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What is a ghost-proof bicycle? One with no spooks in it.

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Biologist jokes

Sample humor:

A biologist from the North Pole was showing a new recruit the ropes of a polar bear radio tracking program. The new recruit said, "I know how the transmitters work, but I have one question--how do you catch the polar bears in the first place?" "I bet you use high-powered tranquilizer dart guns, right?" "Oh no!" the experienced biologist replied, "we use an ancient Eskimo technique, developed centuries ago. First, we dig a huge hole in the ice. Next, we place a circle of green peas all the way around the hole. Then, we go hide behind some ice blocks and wait. Finally, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea, we kick him in the ice-hole !!!"

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A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?" "Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

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Dan had been studying whales for over 20 years and had made some thrilling breakthroughs regarding their communication. He had managed to decode many of their underwater sounds and to translate them into English. His latest research had proved that they can communicate over a distance of 300 miles. When asked what could they possibly have to say at such distances he replied, "As best as we can figure, it is something like - Hey, can you hear me now?

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Bird jokes

Sample humor:

Where do birds invest their money ? In the stork market !

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Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken.

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What is a parrot? A wordy birdy!

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Birthday jokes

Sample humor:

Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.

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A man who forgets his wife's birthday is certain to get something to remember her by.

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I'd like to say something nice about you as it's your birthday. Why don't you? Because I can't think of a single thing to say!

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Blind jokes

Sample humor:

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. "Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

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Q: What did a blind boy's parent's do to punish him? A: Rearranged the furniture

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Q: Why was a blind man's leg wet? A: Her dog was blind too.

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Blonde jokes

Sample humor:

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe.

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Q: How can you tell a blonde is being unfaithful? A: Everybody in the neighborhood is going to the pharmacy for penicillin.

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Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads

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Book title jokes

Sample humor:

Food on the Table by E. Tittup

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Making Snacks by San Widge

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They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

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Brother and sister jokes

Sample humor:

My sister is so dim she thinks that a cartoon is a song you sing in a car.

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Michael: It's hard for my sister to eat. Maureen: Why ? Michael: She can't bear to stop talking.

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Little Brother: I'm going to buy a sea horse. Big Brother: Why? Little Brother: Because I want to play water polo!

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Burger jokes

Sample humor:

Can a hamburger marry a hot dog? Only if they have a very frank relationship!

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Why were the burgers in the refrigerator embarrassed? They saw the salad dressing!

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Why is President Carter important to Hamburger Land in April? One the opening day of the baseball season, he throws out the first meatball!

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Bus jokes

Sample humor:

Do buses and trains run on time? Usually, yes. No, they don't. Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks.

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Why did the bus stop? Because it saw the zebra crossing.

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What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold? One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.

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Business jokes

Sample humor:

Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time? A: A dependent Claus.

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless." The man below says: "You must be in management." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

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A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share." "Buy me 1000 shares." said the client. The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares." The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares said the client." "Great!" said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!" The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."

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Cannibal jokes

Sample humor:

What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!

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Q. What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner? A. The cold shoulder.

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How can you help a starving cannibal? Give them a hand !

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Car and train jokes

Sample humor:

One day there was a family driving in the car to Michigan to visit their relatives. They were looking for the street they had to turn on to get to their relatives house. They accedently turned on the wrong street so they had to pull in a driveway and turn around. When they pulled into the driveway the girl asked her mother "Why dont these people have electricity?" Very confused the mother said, "Wut are u talking about?" The girl quickly replied, "Well, the sign back there said NO OUTLET!"

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Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.

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Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there." "What if that was vandalised?" "Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas." This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

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Cat jokes

Sample humor:

If a cat won an Oscar, what would he get? An a-cat-emy award.

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For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: - Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. - No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. - You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. - Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. - No cat or teenager shares you taste in music. - Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. - Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. - Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. - Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. - Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

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Q: What's every cat's favorite song? - A: Three Blind Mice!

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Children jokes

Sample humor:

A man out for a walk came across a little boy pulling his cat's tail. 'Hey you!' he shouted, ' don't pull the cat's tail !' 'I'm not pulling !' replied the little boy. 'I'm only holding on - the cat's pulling !'

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'Mum,' yelled Johnny from the kitchen, 'you know that dish you were always worried that I would break ?' 'Yes dear, what about it ?' 'Well your worries are over.'

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On the first day at school the girls were sizing each other up and boasting, trying to make good impressions on each other. 'I come from a one-parent family,' said one little girl proudly. 'That's nothing. Both my parents remarried after they got divorced. I come from a four parent family !'

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Christmas jokes

Sample humor:

Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a cricket match? Because they're both stopped by the rein.

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What does Father Christmas call his money ? Iced lolly ?

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I've had a slight accident with your sleigh, Father Christmas! Father Christmas: Oh no! That sleigh was in mint condition! That's all right....now it's a mint with a hole!

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Clinton jokes

Sample humor:

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"

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Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky? Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the the sweetest interns I've ever had.

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How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet? They were both dating the same girl in high school.

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College jokes

Sample humor:

On what kind of ships do students study? Scholarships.

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Tad answered the Tennessee State frat house phone. "Hi," said the voice, "this is Rollie. Come on over, we're having a real wildass party." "Shit, Ah'd shore love to," said Tad, "but Ah got me a bad case of gonorrhea." "Bring it along!" answered Rollie. "The way thangs is goin', mah buddies'll drink anythin'!"

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Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Professor Yes, but I thought it was mine!

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Computer jokes

Sample humor:

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

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Got this email from a friend: CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

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A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish." The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east." The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits." The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes" Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

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Cow jokes

Sample humor:

What goes oo ooo oooo? A cow with no lips.

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Did you hear about the farmer who lost control of his tractor in the cow pasture? No! Did he hurt the cows? No, he just grazed them!

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Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work.

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Cowboy jokes

Sample humor:

A police officer saw a man dressed as a cowboy in the street, complete with huge stetson hat, spurs, and six shooters. "Excuse me, sir," said the police officer, "who are you?" "My name's Tex, officer," said the cowboy. " eh?" said the police officer, "Are you from Texas?" "Nope, Louisiana." "Louisiana? So why are you called Tex?" "Don't want to be called Louise, do I .

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Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom. They tied the noose around the second cowboy's head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away. As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, "Please! Would yaw'l tighten that noose a little bit? I can't swim!"

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Teacher: When do astronauts eat? Pupil: At launch time!

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Criminal jokes

Sample humor:

Detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs? Criminal: Why? You look good in short sleeves.

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What did the burglar say to the lady who caught him stealing her silver? I'm at your service, ma'am.

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What hired killer never goes to jail? The exterminator.

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Dance jokes

Sample humor:

What's a vampire's favorite dance? The Vaults.

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Q. What do you have when only one line dancer comes to your party? A. A One Liner!

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Q. What do you call a one legged linedancer? A. Eileen (I Lean)

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Dead and dying jokes

Sample humor:

I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week. Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.

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What did the little kid do with the dead battery? He buried it.

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At the inquest into her husband's death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband's last words. "Yes," she replied. "He said 'I don't know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin..."

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Dentist jokes

Sample humor:

Cloyd went to a Charleston dentist complaining his gums had shriveled up and his teeth were falling out. After examining him, the dentist said, "Your mouth is really bad. Do you brush?" "Ah sure do!" replied Cloyd. "Everee single day!" "What do you brush with?" asked the dentist, "Preparation H," said the redneck.

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What do you call the Scottish dentist ? Phil McCavity !

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What time is it when you have to go to the dentist ? Tooth Hurty !

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Read more Dentist jokes

Dinosaur jokes

Sample humor:

Q: What dinosaur loves pancakes? A: A tri-syrup-tops.

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Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because the chicken wasn't invented yet.

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What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep ? A dinosnore !

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Divorce jokes

Sample humor:

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

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Doctor and nurse jokes

Sample humor:

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!

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Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep. Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

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Doctor: Have you ever had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, you've got it again!

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Dog jokes

Sample humor:

How can you tell a dog from an elephant? The elephant remembers.

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How many seasons are there in a dogs life ? Just one, the moulting season !

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What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller ? A computer with a lot of bites !

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E-mail jokes

Sample humor:

How do wasps send messages? By bee-mail.

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Teacher: You've been e-mailing other pupils that I'm ugly! Pupil: Sorry, miss, I didn't realise you wanted to keep it a secret.

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How do whales type e-mails? With their fish fingers.

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Easter jokes

Sample humor:

Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? He was having a bad hare day!

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What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person? An Easter basket case!

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How should you send a letter to the Easter Bunny? By hare mail!

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Elephant jokes

Sample humor:

What is an elephants favourite film ? Elephantasia

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What is stronger an elephant or a snail ? A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk !

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What do you do with old cannon balls ? Give them to elephants to use as marbles !

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Ethnic jokes

Sample humor:

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

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Have you heard about the latest Polish parachute? It opens on impact.

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

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Face jokes

Sample humor:

Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.

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Did you hear about the witch who was so ugly that when a tear rolls down her cheek it takes one look at her face and rolls straight up again?

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A little boy came running into the kitchen. "Dad, dad," he said, "there's a monster at the door with a really ugly face." "Tell him you've already got one," said his father.

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Farmer jokes

Sample humor:

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

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A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

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Why are farmers cruel? Because they pull corn by the ears.

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Firefighter jokes

Sample humor:

A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work. When confronted by his boss the man explained: "You can't park anywhere near this place!"

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After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire." The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.

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Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and headed for the door ... his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!" Tom replied, "I'm not, but my girlfriend's husband is..."

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Fishing jokes

Sample humor:

How do fish go into business ? The start on a small scale !

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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

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"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend. "Why shouldn't I?" said Jane. "Well, maybe he is having an affair?" "No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."

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Food jokes

Sample humor:

I went to see my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking. What did he say? He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate. Did that do any good? No - I can't get the chocolate to light.

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Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. "Why are we running so fast?" asked one. "Because," said the second, "it says 'tear along the dotted line'!"

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WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie. HUSBAND: Which is this?

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Frog jokes

Sample humor:

Why do frogs have webbed feet ? To stamp out forest fires !

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What do you get if you cross a frog with a decathlete? Someone who pole-vaults without a pole.

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I'd like a new frog, please. But you bought one only yesterday. What happened? It Kermit-ted suicide.

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Ghost jokes

Sample humor:

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.

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When do ghosts play tricks on each other? On April Ghoul's Day

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What do ghosts like about riding horses? Ghoulloping.

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Gorilla jokes

Sample humor:

Why are Gorillas underpaid? They're willing to work peanuts!

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How come the giant Ape climbed up the side of the skyscraper? The elevator was broken!

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How do you make a Gorilla laugh? Tell it an elephant joke!

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Hair and bald jokes

Sample humor:

What's a barber's favourite kind of holiday? Cruising on a clipper.

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A woman was cutting her husband's thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack. She ofered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities. "It has more vitamin C than an orange," she remarked. "And more hair than Dad," added their son.

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Doctor, doctor, can you give me something for my baldness? How about a few pounds of pig manure? Will that cure my baldness? No, but with that on your head no one will come near enough to notice you're bald.

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Halloween jokes

Sample humor:

What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? An amoeboo!

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A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet over his head. 'Are you here as a ghost ?' asked his friends 'No, I'm an undercover agent".

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What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump-kin!

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Heaven and hell jokes

Sample humor:

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. "Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler. "I was a good father," he answers. "Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance." St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."

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A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates. The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell. The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell. The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven."

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One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang. walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?". God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell." St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!" "Who, the New Yorkers?". "No, the Pearly Gates."

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History jokes

Sample humor:

Woman: Why are you begging for a quarter? Beggar: I didn't think someone like you would give me a dollar.

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How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships ? With their eyes shut !

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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common ? They both have 'the' as their middle names !

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Horse jokes

Sample humor:

How do you go about hiring a horse? Try two pairs of stilts!

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Why did the horse go behind the tree? To change his jockeys.

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Have you read the book, "100-mile Horse Trek" Who wrote it? Major Bumsore

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Humor jokes

Sample humor:

My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble is, he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves himself.

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Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong? Because the rest are weekdays.

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Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go! A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!

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Hunting jokes

Sample humor:

Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot. 'Don't waste your time,' Pat hollered. 'The rifle is not loaded.' 'I can't wait,' Mike shouted back. 'The bird will be gone if I take the time to load!'

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The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

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What's the easiest way for a Gorilla hunter to make money? Collect unemployment insurance!

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Idiot and fool jokes

Sample humor:

Did you hear about the dumb father who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30 minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?

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Did you hear about the Omaha mother who got tired of putting name tags on her son's shirts, so she had his name legally changed to "Machine Washable"?

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Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw ? He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day. He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day. The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was. The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?

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Insect jokes

Sample humor:

Q: What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies? - A: Should we walk home or take a dog?

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Where do bees go on holiday ? Stingapore !

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What is worse than an alligator with toothache ? A centipede with athlete's foot !

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Internet jokes

Sample humor:

What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address? Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

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Where is Pinocchio's website? On the splinternet.

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Who sits at the end of the yellow brick road surfing the Net? The www.izard of Oz.

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Journalist jokes

Sample humor:

A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor." "There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?" "No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says. "But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor." No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor." They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?" "Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."

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A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

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What do you get if you cross a ghost and a newsreader ? A spooksman !

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Judge jokes

Sample humor:

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

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Judge: "Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?" Defendant: "Yes, it's true." Judge: "Then, why don't you just pay him back?" Defendant: "Because it wouldn't be true anymore."

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The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" "I do." "Now what do you say to defend yourself?" "Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."

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King Kong jokes

Sample humor:

What do you get if you cross King Kong with a budgie? A messy cage.

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Why did King Kong join the army? To learn about gorilla warfare.

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What's big and hairy and climbs up the Empire State Building in a dress? Queen Kong.

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Knock Knock jokes

Sample humor:

Knock Knock Who's there ! Census ! Census who ? Census presents for Christmas !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Brent ! Brent who ? Brent out of shape !

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Knock Knock Who's there ? Curry ! Curry who ? Curry me back home will you !

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Lawyer jokes

Sample humor:

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers? New Jersey had first choice.

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A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning? Second person: No. First person: Good!

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Letter jokes

Sample humor:

Where do ghosts mail their letters? At the ghost office.

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Have you ever seen a duchess? Yes - it's the same as an English "s"

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How does a ghost start a letter? Tomb it may concern.

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Lotto jokes

Sample humor:

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari. "Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings. That night, his wife asks him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she find that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. "And this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?!"

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A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help. "Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize. Joe again looked up and prayed... "Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck. Once again, he prayed... "Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... " Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself: "Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One. Buy A Ticket!"

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Marriage jokes

Sample humor:

What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.

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A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident." The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?" The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

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A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

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Men jokes

Sample humor:

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

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This man says to his friend," I stopped driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold the wheel."

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What's a man idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

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Mental health jokes

Sample humor:

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? "Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?"

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When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

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Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me. What do you mean by that?

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Military jokes

Sample humor:

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

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Paddy 'n' Mick join the army, and are put on street patrol in a city with a military curfew. They are given instructions to shoot anybody who's on the streets after 6 o'clock. So one day, they're out at twenty to 6, when Paddy spots a man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots the man dead. Mick is shocked. "What are you doin', Paddy? It ain't 6 yet!" "I know what I'm doin'. I know where he lives and he wouldn't have made it!"

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Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .

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Money jokes

Sample humor:

Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

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Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open? She'd read there was going to be some change in the weather.

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When does a female deer need money? When she doesn't have a buck.

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Monster jokes

Sample humor:

An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven legs walked into a tailors shop. 'Quick!' shouted the tailor to his assistant. 'Hide the "Free Alterations" sign!'

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What do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster? Sir.

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What would you get if you crossed a monster with a redcoat? A bigger target.

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Mouse jokes

Sample humor:

What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer ? Mice cubes !

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What is small, furry and smells like bacon ? A hamster !

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What do rodents say when they play bingo ? 'Eyes down for a full mouse' !

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Movie and TV jokes

Sample humor:

What sort of animals make the best TV presenters ? Gnus - readers !

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One agent stops by another agent's table to tell him the big news: "Elvis just died!" The second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. "Good career move."

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Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one more, guys, I promise.

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Read more Movie and TV jokes

Music jokes

Sample humor:

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: Half a measure.

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Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

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Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor? A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

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Old age jokes

Sample humor:

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

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Fred: I haven't slept a wink for the past two nights. Harry: Why's that? Fred: Granny broke her leg. The doctor put it in plaster and told her she shouldn't walk upstairs. You should hear the row when she climbs up the drainpipe.

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An American tourist found himself in a sleepy country village, and asked one of the locals the age of the oldest inhabitant. "Well, sir," replied the villager, "we ain't got one now. He died last week."

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Parent jokes

Sample humor:

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

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Mrs. Ellis came home from work one evening to find her three-year-old son lighting up a cigar. She raced into the kitchen where her husband was making dinner. "Hey!" she announced. "This is terrible! I just caught Matthew lighting a cigar!" "You put a stop to that right now," he shouted. "That kid is altogether too young to be playing with matches!"

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A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

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Pig jokes

Sample humor:

Why did the piglets get in trouble in their stained glass class? They stained it with mud.

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Why are pigs such great football fans? They're always rooting.

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What do you call a pig with no clothes on? Streaky bacon!

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Read more Pig jokes

Police jokes

Sample humor:

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

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Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

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A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30." The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."

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Political jokes

Sample humor:

Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals. On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

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Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.

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QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve? ANSWER: Until he gets caught.

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Rabbit jokes

Sample humor:

What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange? A pip squeak.

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Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? It has 4 rabbits' feet.

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Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter? He didn't have the hare fare.

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Religious jokes

Sample humor:

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

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Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor? A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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Restaurant jokes

Sample humor:

I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

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A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait. "Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says. The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist." The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "

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Salesmen jokes

Sample humor:

How do salespeople traditionally greet each other? "Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

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The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out. Well," the man began, "I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said 'Yes.' Then I asked her 'why ?' She replied, 'Because I love you'."

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One day Mikey was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object. "What is that?" Mikey asked. "It's a thermos," the salesman replied. "What does it do?" asked Mikey. "This baby," the salesman said, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." After some deliberation Mikey bought one, deciding it would really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrived at the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. "What is it?" they asked. "It's a thermos," Mikey replied. "What does it do?" they asked. "Well," Mikey says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "What do ya got in it?" To which Mikey says, "Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."

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School jokes

Sample humor:

Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to? Pupil: Nobody I know!

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'Ann!' the teacher shouted one day at the girl who had been daydreaming out the window. 'If India has the world's second largest population, oranges are 50 cents for six and it costs $3 for a day return to Austin, how old am I ? 'Thirty two!' 'Why did you say that ?' 'Well, my brother's sixteen and he's half mad !'

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What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? A dead school bus!

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Snake jokes

Sample humor:

What do you call a snake who works for the governement ? A civil serpent !

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Why did the viper want to become a python ? He got the coiling !

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What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig ? A boar constrictor !

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Snowman jokes

Sample humor:

How does a Snowman get to work? By icicle.

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What is a snowman's favorite book ? War and Frozen Peas !

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Where do snowmen go to dance ? Snowballs !

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Space jokes

Sample humor:

Two aliens landed in the remote countryside and went walking from the flying saucer along a narrow lane. The first thing they saw was a red pillar box. `Take us to your leader,' said the first alien. `Don't waste time talking to him. Can't you see he's only a child?' said the second alien.

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What did the astronaut see on his skillet? Unidentified frying (flying) objects.

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President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news." "Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first." "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

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Spelling jokes

Sample humor:

Spell "pound" in two letters. Lb.

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How do you spell wrong? R?o?n?g. That's wrong. That's what you asked for, isn't it?

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"I gotta 'A' in spelling," Tony told his father. "You dope!" he replied. "There isn't any 'A' in 'spelling'!"

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Sport jokes

Sample humor:

Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat? To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

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Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."

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Teeth jokes

Sample humor:

Mother: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?...Son: I don't know. The dentist kept it

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A man coughed violently, and his false teeth shot across the room and smashed against the wall. "Oh, dear," he said, "whatever shall I do? I can't afford a new set." "Don't worry," said his friend. "I'll get a pair from my brother for you." The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which fitted perfectly. "This is wonderful," said the man. "Your brother must be a very good dentist." "Oh, he's not a dentist," replied the friend, "he's an undertaker."

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What did one tooth say to the other tooth? "Thar's gold in them thar fills."

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Telephone jokes

Sample humor:

Why are there so many Johnson in he phone book? They all have phones.

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What did the answering machine say to the telephone? Take my word for it.

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What do you call the sound a ghost makes when he calls you? A phone moan.

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Time jokes

Sample humor:

If twenty dogs run after one cat, what time is it? Twenty after one.

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Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.

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What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands? A pocket watch.

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Travel and tourist jokes

Sample humor:

A pair of tourists were out in the fields when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm house. Of course they're curious so they drop a small stone into the well, but they never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a larger rock and drop it into the well but once again hear nothing. They decide they need something larger and search the farm yard for a larger object. After much struggle, they manage to drag a large railroad tie to the edge of the well and drop it over the edge. After several seconds, a goat tears across the yard and without any hesitation, dives head first into the open hole. The two tourists stand in amazement. About then a farmer appears and tells them he is looking for a lost goat. The tourists tell the farmer about the goat diving into the well. "That couldn't be my goat", the farmer replies, "My goat was grazing in the field roped to a railroad tie!"

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Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock." Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?" The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

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A man arrived at a seaside hotel where he had made a reservation rather late at night. All the lights were out, so he knocked on the door. After a long time a light appeared in an upstairs window and a woman called out, "Who are you? What do you want?" "I'm staying here!" "Stay there, then," she retorted, and slammed the window shut!

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Vampire jokes

Sample humor:

What do vampire footballers have at half-time? Blood oranges.

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Why is Hollywood full of vampires? They need someone to play the bit parts.

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How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.

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Various animal jokes

Sample humor:

What happens when sharks take their clothes off ? They go sharkers !

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What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle ? A polo bear !

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What should you call a bald teddy ? Fred bear !

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Waiter jokes

Sample humor:

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None, a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.

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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

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Weather jokes

Sample humor:

If a band plays music in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightning? The conductor.

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How is snow white? -Pretty good, according to the 7 dwarfs

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Why type of lightning likes to play sports? -Ball lightning

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Witch jokes

Sample humor:

How does a witch doctor ask a girl to dance ? 'Voodoo like to dance with me ?'

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What goes cackle, cackle, boom? A witch in a minefield.

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Is it good to drink witch's brew? Yes, it's very newt tricious!

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Women jokes

Sample humor:

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? - The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? - She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

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QUESTION: What's the best way to get a youthful figure? ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.

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Yo momma jokes

Sample humor:

Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio

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Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.

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Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

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Zodiac jokes

Sample humor:

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!

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Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

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Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.

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Zoo jokes

Sample humor:

When an ape visits his tailor, what kind of a suit does he order? A zoo-t suit!

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A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian. "Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him. "How do I do that?" he asked. "Carefully," replied the vet.

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The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

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